| Smile Lines Mathematics,
African style A
Gambian farmer passed away and left seventeen mules to
his three sons. The instructions left in the will said
that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second
oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The
three sons, recognising the difficulty of dividing 17
mules into these fractions began to argue, as only
Gambians argue! Their uncle Seedy heard about their
argument, hitched up his mule and rode out to settle the
matter. Uncle
Seedy added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest
therefore got one-half, or 9, the second oldest got one-third,
or 6, and the youngest got one-ninth, or 2. Adding up 9,
6 and 2 equals 17. Then
uncle Seedy, having settled the argument, hitched up his
mule and rode home. Uncle Seedy is an occasional
consultant to the Bishop of Gambia and his diocesan Board
of Finance. Mysterious
adults Two
children discussing childhood and their parents: "First
they teach you to walk and when you do, they're ever so
proud. Then they teach you to talk, and when you do,
they're ever so proud. Then when you can both walk and
talk, they tell you to sit down and shut up!" Faint
praise When
bishops want to persuade other bishops to accept clergy
who are not altogether satisfactory into their diocese,
they can resort to some Episcopal tricks of speech. This
is a practice known as 'throwing dead cats over the
garden fence.' Thus one bone idle curate was recommended
in this way: 'Any vicar who gets this young man to work
with him will be extremely fortunate.' Another vicar, who
was too mean to give anyone even a cup of tea, got the
push with 'a man of rare gifts.' One crackpot priest was
even described as 'well-balanced'. The bishop answered
the quizzical look of his secretary with, 'Well, he has
chips on both shoulders!' A
past Archbishop of Canterbury was a distinguished guest
at the mayoral dinner. As the first course was being
served a waiter accidentally dropped a whole bowl of hot
soup into his Grace's lap. The Archbishop looked around
the table despairingly and said: "Is there any
layman present who will be good enough to express my
feelings?" Q.
Where do professors come from? A.
From the West. Because the wise men came from the East.
A.
Sang, of course! Everybody sings in Wales! And
Jesus said to them: 'Who do you say that I am?' And the
theologians replied: 'You are the eschatological
manifestation of the ground of our being. In you we find
theosis, for you are the kerygma of which we find the
ultimate meaning of our interpersonal relationships."
And Jesus said: "What?" An
unwed lass began her confession to the priest. "T'is
a shameful thing I have to confess Father, but I am
pregnant." She was so upset that the kindly priest
decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. "Are
you sure t'is yours?" asked the priest. Two
Yorkshire farmers were discussing their respective
clerics. One said: "Our fellow's got foot and mouth
disease. 'E don't visit and 'e can't preach!" The
doctor and the parson were standing with the wife beside
the bed of an old man who was dying. "I'm afraid
he's gone," said the priest. "Yes, he has,"
said the doctor. "No, I ain't," murmured the
patient, feebly trying to sit up. "Lie down, dear,"
said the wife. "Doctor and parson do know best." The
sermon was a great success, but the congregation was a
disaster. Happiness
to clergy is someone who snores in the same key as the
closing hymn. As
many families arrive at a New Year, exhausted after
Christmas festivities with perhaps too much family too
close for too long…………….. Marriage
halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our
expenses. anon Social
tact is making your company feel at home, even though you
wish they were. Woman
knows what Man has too long forgotten, that the ultimate
economic and spiritual unit of any civilisation is still
the family. Clare Boothe Luce We
feel about as active as a leftover fly in January. He
was as welcome as a monthly bill. In
the New Year I resolve to do just about what I did last
year. anon On
taking stock of ourselves physically... When
his doctor told him to take a walk each day on an empty
stomach, Sydney Smith inquired: "Whose?" There
must be a destiny to shape our ends, but our middles are
of our own chewing. You've
heard of the three ages of man - youth, age and "You
are looking wonderful." - Francis Cardinal Spellman Comments
on the season... Note
to hunters: If it stands on its hind legs and has a pipe
in its mouth, it isn't a deer. Science
informs us that no two snowflakes are alike, but along
about this time of year I tend to feel that when you've
seen one you've seen them all. B Hills As
we survey the world scene, with war threatening... The
passion for inflicting harm, the cruel thirst for
vengeance, an unspecific and relentless spirit, the fever
of revolt, the lust of power, and such like things, all
these are rightly condemned in war.... True religion
looks upon as peaceful those wars that are waged not for
motives of aggrandisement or cruelty, but with the object
of securing peace, of punishing evil doers, and of
uplifting the good. - St Augustine We
fight to great disadvantage when we fight with those who
have nothing to lose. - Italian proverb Looking
forward to 2003 When
a man finds no peace within himself, it is useless to
seek it elsewhere. French proverb There
is more to life than increasing its speed. Gandhi A
lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. He
who kneels before God can stand before anyone. Parents
may not be able to appraise the worth of a university
career, but they can sure tell you the cost. A
businessman will be judged by the company he keeps
solvent. The
first lie detector was made out of the rib of a man. And
no improvement has ever been made on the original machine.
- anon You
can say what you want to around home because no one pays
any attention to you. If
you think no one cares if you're alive, try missing a few
instalment payments. God
sends no one away empty except those who are full of
themselves. D L Moody My
dear friends, you may take it as a rule that the Spirit
of God does not usually do for us what we can we can do
for ourselves. C H Spurgeon Waiting for general revival is no
excuse for not enjoying personal revival. Stephen Olford. |