Smile Lines
The Health Minister was visiting a hospital in Scotland and paused in one of the wards to speak with a patient. “How are you today?” he asked heartily.
“O wad some pow’r the giftie gie us tae see oursels as others see us” replied the patient.
The Minister was a little taken aback, but smiled, and passed on to the next bed. “And are you feeling better today?” he ventured.
“Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie” the patient replied.
The Minister was baffled, but managed to press on, with smile still in place, to the next bed. “Are you comfortable?” he enquired cautiously.
“Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it!” was the answer.
The Minister smiled again, but left the ward feeling shaken. He turned to the doctor beside him, “How terribly sad, those poor folk”, he murmured. “Was that the psychiatric ward?”
“No, not at all”, replied the Doctor, “that was the Burns unit”.
Father: James, why are you always at the bottom of your class?
James: It doesn’t really matter, dad, we get the same instruction at both ends of the class.
Charlies was gazing down at his one-day old brother, who lay squealing and wailing in his cot. “Has he come from heaven?” he asked finally, over the noise.
“Yes, dear”. Mother murmured happily.
“No wonder they put him out”.
Bill: Have you ever realised any of your childhood hopes for the future?
Peter: Yes, when my mother used to comb my hair, I often wished I didn’t have any.
Shopper to shop manager: Your opening sale has closed. What now?
Shop manager: Our closing sale opens.
Husband: One more payment and the furniture’s ours.
Wife: Good! Then we can throw it out and get some new stuff.
A golf player is a person who can drive seventy miles an hour in any traffic with perfect ease, but blows up on a two-foot putt if somebody coughs.
Cross Examination that didn’t go quite as planned ….
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:-
“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
“Were you present when your picture was taken?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
”Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
“Did he kill you?”
“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes”.
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes”.
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None”.
Q: “How many were girls?”
Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes”.
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
Q: “Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, sir”.
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death”.
Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male or female?”
Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “Oral.”
Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8.30pm.”
Q: “And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”
Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”.
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.”
How to cross a river
Three male walkers on the fells came to a swollen torrent that they had to cross. It seemed impossible, so they decided to pray about it.
The first asked to be given the strength to get across. He was given superhuman strength and, with great effort managed to swim over to the other side.
The second prayed for the right tools to get over. He was given a boat, and after much paddling, he also managed to cross the river.
The third prayed for sufficient intelligence to be able to cross. So God made him into a woman, she looked at the map, walked 100 yards up the river bank and crossed using the bridge.
Senior Citizen’s Alphabet
A is for arthritis.
B is for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight – can’t read that top line,
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention),
H is for high blood pressure (I’d prefer low),
I is for incisions with scars you can show,
J is for joints, that now fail to flex,
L is for libido – what happened to s--?,
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they’re bent,
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain’t worth a cent),
N is for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck,
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack,
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux – one meal turns into two,
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus – I hear bells in my ears,
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow,
V is for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy’ you know.
W is for worry, now what’s going round?
X is for x-ray – and what might be found,
Y is for the year I’ve just left behind,
And Z is for zest that I still have my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms my body’s deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!