Eve: 'Adam, do you love me?'

Adam: 'Who else?'

They say he married her because her aunt left her a fortune. He hotly denies it, saying he would have married her whomever left her the fortune.

A wife took her husband for a medical check-up following a severe attack on his health. After examining the man, the doctor called the wife into his office and told her:

"Your husband is suffering from a very rare disease, combined with stress, which could kill him in a few months. What you have to do is this: Each morning, cook him a full breakfast and bring it to him in bed. Then while he eats, make sure his shirt and trousers are ironed and laid out neatly on the bed for him. When he comes home from work at night, have a drink waiting and the candles lit. Always cook him meals that he enjoys and never expect him to help around the house or garden or with the children. Don't burden him with any of your own problems, because that will only increase his stress. And most importantly, make a big effort to always look glamorous and make love to him at least three times a week. If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband may well pull through. On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said?

His wife replied, sadly but promptly, "The doctor says you are going to die!"

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

A vicar and his wife from the country were invited to stay at Lambeth Palace and were nervous about proper table manners in such company. They decided they would never make a first move and just copy everything at meal times that the Archbishop did. All went well the first night, but at breakfast the next morning when they saw the Archbishop pour milk into his saucer, they did the same. The Archbishop added some cream and sugar and, bewildered, they followed suit. Finally the Archbishop bent down and placed his saucer on the floor for the palace cat!

Eskimos are God's frozen people.

Little boy: 'Mum, does God use our bathroom?'

Mother: 'No, why on earth should He do that?'

Little boy: 'Because Dad was standing outside the door this morning muttering "My God are you still in there?"'

When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble. (J Boren)

The vicar had just parked his old car by the roadside when a policeman approached him and asked him politely if he had reported this accident?

A minister visiting round his new parish met an old man who had obviously been in the village a long time.

Minister: 'Have you lived here all your life?'

Old man: 'Not yet!'

If all the people who went to sleep during sermons were laid out on the ground end to end, they would be a lot more comfortable.

Church notice-sheets that didn't turn out quite right:

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married in late January in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- Eight new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Take a while – have a smile! - Nice one for this day of computers!!

God’s Voice Mail!

Too funny not to share!

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following:

   Thank you for calling heaven.

   For English press 1

   For Spanish press 2

   For all other languages, press 3

   Please select one of the following options:

   Press 1 for request

   Press 2 for thanksgiving

   Press 3 for complaints

   Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.  Please stay on the line.  (Holding music by Benefice Choirs?)

   If you would like to speak to:

  God, press 1

  Jesus, press 2

   Holy Spirit, press 3

To find a loved one who has been assigned to heaven, press 5. Then enter his social security number followed by the £ sign.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3  16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

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