Smile
Lines First
Fight Three
weeks after her wedding day, Barbara called her minister.
"Oh Reverend," she wailed, "Nate and I
have had a horrible fight!" "Calm
down, my child," said the minister, "it's not
half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its
first fight!" "I
know, I know!" said Barbara. "But what am I
going to do with the body?" Fair swap My
cousin Sally was driving home in After
resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo
woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally
looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a
bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The
Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good
trade." Medical Term The
man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can
take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with
me." "Well,
in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're
just lazy." "Okay,"
said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife. A Wife's Prayer Dear
Lord,
Love
to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because
Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. Amen Wedding dress When
my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my
mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for
the first time I was sitting with mother in the living
room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a
perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes
welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her
in time-honoured fashion. "You're gaining a
son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said
with a sob. "I used to fit into that
dress!" Stop! A
man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The
man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He
went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step a car will run over you
and you will die." The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely
missing him. "Where
are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I
am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"My job is to always protect you." "Oh
yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when
I walk down the aisle to get married?" Hopeful shots My
uncle Joe and his best mate Tim, went hunting in They
shot in the air three times, but no one came. After
a while, they tried it again. Still no
response. When they decided to try once more, Tim
said, "It better work this time. We're down to
our last three arrows." Are you getting 'past it'? You may be, if you can agree with the following... At
the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal. Your
back goes out but you stay home. You
wake up looking like your driver's license photo. It
takes two tries to get up from the couch. When
your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. When
happy hour is a nap. When
you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your
money does. When
you say something to your children that your mother said
to you and you always hated it. When
all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of
your age. When
you step off the pavement and look down one more time to
make sure the street is still there. Your
idea of weight lifting is standing up. It
takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. Your
memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. Your
address book has mostly names that start with Dr. Movie Sickness – true story There
was a showing of the Russell Crowe movie Master and
Commander in trendy Glenelg, a seaside suburb of During
the movie, four patrons collapsed vomiting with the
result the cinema was cleared and, fearing an
environmental air problem, surrounding streets were
evacuated. Most
of the During
this movie, which takes place on a very lurchy boat on an
equally lurchy ocean, there is an operation performed
with primitive instruments - enough to turn your stomach
it seems, which is exactly what happened. A patron was
feeling seasick and the operation just topped it all off
and she hurled and three others hurled in sympathy! Diagnosis
- psychosomatic seasickness. Cost:
Enormous! The train A
minister rushed down to the railway station every single
day to watch the 'Ancient Mariner' chuffing by. There was
no chore he wouldn't interrupt to carry out this ritual. Members
of his congregation were embarrassed by his growing
reputation for eccentricity, and asked him to give it up.
"No,
brothers," he said firmly. "I preach your
sermons, marry you, baptise your babies, teach your
Sunday School, visit your sick, bury your dead, and chair
every meeting it pleases you to call, but I won't give up
seeing that train go by every day. I'm so encouraged by
it! It's the only thing in the parish that I don't have
to push!" First
elderly vicar at a deanery synod: "Heard you had to
bury your rural dean" Second
elderly vicar: "Yes, we had to, you know – he
died!" Round in circles To get his
wealth he spent his health And then with
might and main Not for archbishops It
is said that Prime Minister Disraeli once consulted with
Queen My
love life is so bad I'm taking part in the world celibacy
championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals. Guy
Bellamy Called A
rather ineffective vicar was asked by his bishop what had
induced him to enter the ministry. "I was
called," the vicar replied simply. "Are you
sure," pondered the bishop, "that it was not
some other voice you heard?" Sorry A
man got up in the middle of the vicar's sermon and walked
out. His very embarrassed wife approached the vicar
afterwards. "I hope you didn't think that he
disagreed with anything you said, vicar. It's just that
he has this tendency to walk in his sleep." |