Smile
Lines It
hurts A
little girl went up to her mother one day while holding
her stomach saying, "Mummy, my stomach hurts." Her
mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have
to put something into it!" She then prepared a
bowl of soup. That
evening the minister and his wife came for dinner.
The minister began to feel bad. Holding his head he
said, "I have such a terrible headache!" The
little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest
smile that any little child could give. Then she
said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put
something into it!" Hymns
for Professionals Dentist...
Crown him with many crowns A
Tale... One
day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
rascally behaviour that was going on. He decided to
send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So
He called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth
for a time. When the angel returned, the angel
reported to God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not. God
thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent the angel to Earth
for a time. When the angel returned, the angel went
straight to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is
definitely declining; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are
being good." God
was not pleased. He decided He would send an e-mail
to the 5% that were good to encourage them and to give
them a little something to help them keep going in such a
desperate time. Do
you know what He said in that E-mail?... Oh,
you didn't get one either? The
Minister's Cat This
is the story of a minister who had a kitten. The
kitten climbed up a tree in his garden and then was
afraid to come down. The minister coaxed, offered warm
milk, etc, but still the kitty would not come down. The
tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the minister then
decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove
slowly away, the tree would bend down, and he could then
reach up and get the kitten. That's
what he did, all the while checking his progress in the
car. The tree bent and bent, and at last he figured if he
went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved
the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The
tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly
sailed through the air - out of sight. The
minister felt terrible. He walked all over the village
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody
had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just
commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on
about his business. A
few days later he was at the local shop, and met one of
his church members. He happened to look into her shopping
cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat
hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why
are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She
replied, "You won't believe this," and then
told him how her little girl had been begging her for a
cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the
child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her
little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let
you keep it." She
told the minister: "I watched my child go out in the
yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And
really, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own
eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky,
with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her." The
Little girl & Grandpa A
little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he
read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she
would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch
his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own
cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa,
did God make you?" "Yes,
sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long
time ago." "Oh,"
she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes,
indeed, my dear," he said. "God made you just a
little while ago." Feeling
their respective faces again, she observed, "God's
getting better at it, isn't he?" Post-Valentine A
man was telling his friend that he and his wife had had a
serious argument the night before. "But it
ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me
on her hands and knees." "What
did she say?" asked the friend, amazed. The
husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under
that bed, you coward!'" Fishy Two
men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a
Sunday morning, that they were not attending church, and
the fish were not biting. The
first man eventually said: "I should have stayed
home and gone to church." But
the other angler disagreed. "I couldn't have
gone to church, anyhow. My wife is sick in bed." The
Rules of Marriage Here
are the real-life answers from a group of children:- Question:
How do you decide who to marry? You
got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --
Alan, age 10 No
person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you
get to find out later who you're stuck with. --
Kirsten, age 10 Question:
What is the right age to get married? 23
is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then. -- Camille, age 10 No
age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) Question:
How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You
might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 Question:
What do you think your Mum and Dad have in common? Both
don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 Question:
What do most people do on a date? Dates
are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 On
the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date. -- Martin, age 10 Question:
What would you do on a first date that was turning
sour? I'd
run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 Question:
When is it okay to kiss someone? When
they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The
law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The
rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing
to do. -- Howard, age 8 Question:
Is it better to be single or married? I
don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to
be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8 It's
better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 Question:
How would the world be different if people didn't get
married? There
sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 And
the #1 Favourite is... Question:
How would you make a marriage work? Tell
your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
lorry. -- Ricky, age 10 Portrait An
infants’ teacher: was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child's work. As
she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The
girl: replied, "I'm drawing God." The
teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute." More
Bulletin Bloopers The
youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse. "Correction:
The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch
will be gin at Any
church member over the age of 18 is invited to
participate in this lay ministry programme. It
requires a minimal amount of training and time. The
orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200
hours each Tuesday night. The
Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each
person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or
dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be
furnished. An
advert for a forth-coming church jumble sale: “We
have a gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for
sale, in good running order." Let
us know The
following advertisement appeared in a physical culture
magazine: "Here's
a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands
over your head and place your feet together on the floor.
Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the
left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control,
haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the
floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and
let us know of the result." The
first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA". Fly
me? At
a recent computer software engineering course in the "If
you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your
team of programmers had been responsible for the flight
control software, how many of you would immediately get
off the plane?" Among
the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied
that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With
his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to
even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff. Easier Co-workers
sympathized as my mother complained that her back was
really sore from moving furniture. "Why
don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone
asked. "I
could," my mother told the group," but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it." Tight
fit A
minister walked into a shoe store, and tried on a pair of
shoes. "How
do they feel?" asked the sales clerk. "Well
they feel a bit tight," replied the man. The
assistant promptly bent down and looked at the shoes on
the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out,"
the clerk said.. "Well,
theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." The
mystery beers An
Irishman moved into a tiny village in An
hour later, the man had finished the three beers and
ordered three more. This happened yet again. The next
evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a
time, several times. Soon
the entire town was whispering about the "Man Who
Orders Three Beers". Finally,
a week later, the bartender broached the subject on
behalf of The town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks
around here are wondering why you always order three
beers?" "'Tis
odd, isn't it?" the man replied. "You see, I
have two brothers, and one went to The
bartender and the whole town was pleased with this
answer, and soon The "Man Who Orders Three Beers"
became a local celebrity and source of pride to the
village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would
come to watch him drink. Then,
one cold February day, the man came in and ordered only
two beers. The bartender poured them with a heavy heart.
This continued for the rest of the evening: he ordered
only two beers. The word flew around town. Prayers were
offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The
next day, the bartender said to the man, "Folks
around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences
to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two
beers and all..." The
man pondered this for a moment, then replied, "You'll
be happy to hear that me two brothers are alive and well.
It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up
drinking for Lent." Chain
vicars If
you are unhappy with our vicar, simply have our
churchwarden send a copy of this letter to six other
churches who are also tired of their vicar. Then
bundle up our vicar and send him to the church on the top
of the list in the letter. Within a week you will
receive 16,435 vicars and one of them should be all right! Have
faith in this chain letter for vicars. Do not break
the chain. One church did – and got their old
vicar back! (From
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