Smile Lines Little
old lady seeks handsome young man An advert
appeared in a student newspaper of a university: “Sweet
little old lady wishes to correspond with good-looking
university student – six-footer with brown eyes
wanted, answering to initials J.A.D. Signed: his
mother Said a
frustrated young mother as she stood in the kitchen and
watched her baby screaming, her sons fighting, her
daughter crying, the washing machine leaking, the dog
being sick, and general mess everywhere around the house:
“I sometimes wish I’d loved and lost.” Peace After a
very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of
the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the
end of the line was a thoughtful person who always
commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon
reminded me of the peace and love of God." The
pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything
like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because
it endured forever.” Knock
knock A
conscientious minister decided to get acquainted with a
new family in his congregation and visited them one
spring evening. After his knock on the door, a
lilting voice from within called out, “Is that you,
Angel?” “No,”
replied the minister. “But I’m from the
same department.” Dressed
up An
evangelical vicar was asked to celebrate Holy Communion
for his Anglo-catholic neighbour who was sick. Unfamiliar
with some of the vestments, he did the best he could.
Breakfasting at the vicarage afterwards he said to the
vicar’s wife that he hoped he had got all the
vestments on properly. “Oh yes, you were quite
all right – except that my husband does not usually
wear the book-markers!” Welcome The most
welcome guest is the one who knows when to go home. Filing A filing
cabinet is a place where you can lose things
systematically. Switched
on A
housewife was helping her aged mother get up the stairs
on the new electric stair lift when the minister
telephoned her. He was horrified to hear her say:
“I’m so sorry, but I’ll have to ring you
back. I can’t talk right now because I’ve
got Mother in the electric chair and she’s just
waiting for me to press the switch!” On
offer A bishop,
invited to a ‘country’ dinner was surprised not
to be offered anything to drink and eventually appealed
to his very beautiful hostess: “Do you think I
might have a drop of wine?” The lady
threw up her hands in horror and replied; “Bishop, I
am so sorry! I thought you were Chair of the “Not
at all,” said the bishop, adding “but I am
Chair of the Anti-Porn campaign.” “Oh!”
came the reply. “I knew there was something I
could not offer you.” Problem If you
think the problem is bad now, just wait until we have
solved it. (Arthur Kasspe) Choir Two choir
members recently got married. They met by chants.
Ring I know a
teen-age girl who has been trying to run away from home
for a year, but every time she gets to the front door the
phone rings. Wife Basically
my wife was immature. I’d be home in my bath
and she’d come in and sink my boats. (Woody
Allen) Notice Notice in
a cemetery: Any day above ground is a good one. From a
parish newsletter: ‘Children
are normally collected during the Offertory Hymn’ Saint A saint
is a dead clergyman. Heaven It is not
always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the
moment. We can sympathise with the chap who met an
old friend after many years. “And how’s
your dear wife?” he asked warmly. “She’s
in heaven,” replied the friend. “Oh,
I’m sorry,” stammered the chap. Then
realising this was not the thing to say, he stammered:
“I mean, I’m glad.” That seemed even
worse, so he tried again. “Well, what I really
mean is, I’m surprised.” I got a
package envelope in the mail the other day that had
written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath
the postman had written: "Oh, yes they do.” |