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Smile-Lines
Haircut
A minister, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the clergyman asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the minister, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Show of hands
The Sunday School teacher asked her class: "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of you goes?" Young Suzy ventured: “I think our hands go, whatever else.” Startled, the teacher asked why. Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and so when God comes to get you, he’ll just naturally grab those first.”
Bathtub test
The young chaplain was paying his first visit to the ward for mentally troubled patients. He asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the chaplain. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug…."
CATS
Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it."
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Vegetative state
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." With that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his lager.
Mood indicator
Early in my marriage I was having trouble figuring out what ‘mood" my wife was in. So I had a brilliant idea and bought her a mood ring. It has worked very well. When she is in a good mood, it turns a pleasant shade of blue, and when she is in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my cheek.
What do they teach them in school these days?!
The following excerpts are 10 and 11 year-old answers to history tests and Sunday school quizzes. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotel. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handle was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long, people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Speeding
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, in some awed confusion, "that God has installed speed cameras?”
Overload
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Punishment
Teacher: What is capital punishment? Pupil (whose father ran a large business): It’s when the government sets up business in competition with you, and then takes all your profits with taxes in order to make up its loss.
Shaggy dog story
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the minister was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the minister was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Treatment
A husband and wife went to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asked them what the problem was and the unhappy wife began a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had. Finally, the counsellor got up, went around the desk, embraced the woman and kissed her passionately. The woman subsided and sat quietly in a daze. The counsellor turned to the husband and said: "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thought for a moment. "Well.. I can get her here Monday and Wednesday.....but Friday I golf."
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
If You Love Someone
Pessimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget her.
Patient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back...
Playful: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat.
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Statisticians: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans: If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over-possessive person: If you love someone don't set her free.
MBA: If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.
Psychologist: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
ERP functional expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back, map her into your system. If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.
Finance expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back it’s time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.
Little
We want but little here below, We’re ready to admit it; And if Gordon Brown keeps taxing us, We’re pretty sure to get it. anon
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