Smile Lines Grace The
minister was the dinner guest. The table was beautifully
prepared and the food looked delicious. They were ready
to begin. The hostess to spoke to her daughter, aged six.
“Mary, will you say Grace, please.” A rather
long delay ensued. The mother coaxed the little girl,
“Come on Mary, say what you heard me say this
morning at breakfast.” In a loud voice it came out:
“Oh God, why did I invite the minister to dinner
tonight?” A
clergyman phoned his area dean. “I regret to have to
inform you that my wife has just died. Could you please
send me a substitute for the weekend?” Nowadays
the voice crying in the wilderness is just a teenager
with a radio. Nervous
Head boy reading the New Testament Lesson in School
Assembly for Pentecost: “Here beginneth the first
Actor of the Chaps.” When
children meet the Bible, the result can be unpredictable.
As in these answers to a school chaplain's efforts to
teach RE... The
main purpose of the prophets was to set up the lights for
when Jesus came on the stage. The Jesus
said: If you want to divorce your wife leave a note for
her on the table Jesus
healed a man with a weathered hand Some
of the seed was curried off by Satan The
last verses of Mark's gospel were written later by a
unanimous person Jesus
first proclaimed the gospel to the Jews: he told them to
make love to each other An
altar is a stall for candles An
example of Holy Orders are the Ten Commandments An
epistle is the wife of an apostle. A
quiz – of sorts! Q: At
what time of day was Adam born? Q Who
is the smallest man in the Bible? Q: Who
was the most popular actor in the Bible? Q: Who
was the straightest man in the Bible? Q:
What did Jonah do for three days in the belly of the big
fish? Q:
What sort of lighting did Noah have on the ark? The
first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist
Jack. Cooking A four
year-old attended Holy Communion with her grand-mother
and went up to the communion rails with her for a
blessing. When she got home she told her mother about it.
“Mummy, you know we went to the bit where the vicar
does the cooking!” Blessing It was
the five year old boy's first trip down to the communion
rail at church. Fascinated, he watched the vicar place a
wafer in the palm of each person kneeling before him.
When the vicar reached the little boy, he ignored the
child's out-stretched palm, and laid his hand on the
child's head in a gentle blessing instead. The boy,
utterly bewildered, whispered to his father in a piercing
voice; “He's put it on my head!” Shoes A
weary clergyman who had travelled to another city by
train to officiate at a funeral was making his return
journey when he began to suffer an acute attack of pins
and needles in his foot. He turned to the old lady beside
him and said: “Do you mind, madam, if I remove my
shoe – my foot's gone dead.” The lady assured
him there was no problem. The
clergyman felt some relief and soon fell asleep. After a
little while the old lady gave him a gentle nudge. “Excuse
me, sir, “she said. “But would you mind putting
your shoe back on again? I think your foot's been dead
for some time!” Knock
knock Answering
the door to two people who introduced themselves by
saying: “Good Morning, we're Jehovah's Witnesses”,
the white-bearded man replied: “Good, I'm Jehovah.
How are we doing?” History Did
you hear about the man who came from a very, very old
family whose history was recorded in five volumes? In the
middle of Volume III there was a footnote which read:
'About this time, the world was created.' The
seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills,
pills, wills. I
still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.
Yesterday I dialled the Red Cross and got the Inland
Revenue Service in error. So the operator
asked me what number I had dialled. I said, "The
Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood." She
said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
What
is marketing? You
see a gorgeous girl at a party. You're
at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. You
see a gorgeous girl at a party. You're
at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You're
at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You
see a gorgeous girl at a party. With
General Elections in mind... Winning
elections A
candidate came home in the small hours and gave his wife
the glorious news: “Darling, I have been elected.”
She
was delighted: “Honestly?!!” she cried. He
laughed in an embarrassed sort of way. “Oh, why
bring that up?” Indecisive Politician
to aide: “About their charge that I'm indecisive
– do you think I should answer it, or let it go, or
answer it in part, or what?” |