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Smile Lines
With local church life in mind…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with trying to find a place to park your car near the church.
A minister’s advice to a deacon about to be ordained: “Remember: the longer the spoke the greater the tyre.”
‘Ecclesiastic’ is material used to fasten a clergyman’s robes.
Minister: “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. You’ll be glad to know that when I asked my secretary to type this sermon out for me I asked her to eliminate any thing that was dull or confusing. So in conclusion….”
The minister had mentioned all the books in the Old Testament and finally came to Malachi. “Ah Malachi,” he intoned. “Where shall we put Malachi?” Suddenly a voice from the back piped up: “He can come and sit here – I’m going!”
Notices outside a church: Worn out? Come in for a Service! This church is not just four weddings and a funeral.
They have all sorts of new services today. Now they’ve got a dial-a-prayer service for atheists. You call a number and nobody answers.
With school-days in mind…
A little girl after her geography exam: “Please God make Copenhagen the capital of Japan - at least for this month.”
The graduation banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the invited clergyman would not be able to attend. He quickly asked the main speaker to give the blessing. The speaker nodded, rose, bowed his head and in all sincerity, said: “There being no clergyman present, let us thank God.”
Teacher: “That essay about the dog is exactly the same as your brother’s.” Student: “Well sir, it is the same dog.”
With June weddings in mind
“If we did become engaged would you give me a ring?” she said. “Yes, of course!” he replied. “What is your number?”
Young man asked to describe his mother-in-law: “Generally speaking, she’s generally speaking.”
Signing the register at a wedding, the groom had difficulty in making his ball-point pen work. “Put you weight on it,” said the vicar. So the groom complied: ‘John Smith (eleven stone, four pounds)’
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
They say he married her because her aunt left her a fortune. He hotly denies it, saying that he would have married her whomever left her the fortune.
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, If ever you’re wrong, admit it, If ever you’re right, shut up. Ogden Nash
The bed is where one good turn can get the whole duvet.
When his wife said she was going to change the baby, her husband urged: “Well, get a quieter one!”
Miscellaneous
Billy Graham, who is taking his last crusade in New York’s Flushing Park this month once had to preach in the Roker Park stadium in Sunderland during Mission:England in 1984. He said it was the coldest day he’d ever preached in the open-air. He wore a cloth cap, two sweaters, two sets of thermal underwear, two pairs of thermal socks. A wag commented later that he must have preached St. Long-John’s Gospel.
To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Father: “Don’t you think our son gets all his brains from me?” Mother: “Probably. I still have all of mine.”
Summer has set in with its usual severity. - S T Coleridge
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Charles Warner
A gesticulation is any movement made by a foreigner. - J B Morton
Job cursed the day he was born. Most babies can’t speak till they are at least 18 months old.
Breaking bad news
The parents felt that at last they could leave Jamie at home with Granny while they went abroad for their first holiday alone for years. By the time three days were up Mother was anxious and phoned to find how things were at home. “Everything’s fine,” said Jamie, “except the cat is dead.”
Mother was grief stricken at the shock and left the phone weeping copious tears. Her husband decided to coax his son into a better way of breaking bad news. “Look son, bad news needs to be broken gradually. What you might have said was something along the lines of: ‘The cat is on the garage roof and I can’t get her down’ The next day you could add that the cat’s not eating up there…. finally, at the next call, you can break the bad news. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“Yes Dad, I see. I’m sorry. Three days later, Mother phoned again for the latest news. “Hello Jamie, how are you and Granny?”
“Well,” he hesitated. “Everything is fine. Except that Granny’s on the garage roof and I can’t get her down…”
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy about it.
A lady was shopping for a turkey in a grocery store and after pawing through the freezer section and growing dissatisfied with the small ones that were left, she turned to the stock boy and snapped, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?"
To which he calmly replied, "No ma’am. They're dead!"
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