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Smile-Lines
Daddy’s girl A young father was taking care of his baby daughter while his wife went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take the toddler along. "I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his wife that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his wife said. But the father said gloomily. “No, it wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Offering Hoping to develop his son’s character, his father gave him fifty pence and ten pence as he was leaving for Sunday School. “Now Bill, you put whichever one you want on the offering plate,” he said. When the boy returned, his father asked which coin he had given. Bill answered: Well, just before they sent around the plate the preacher said ‘The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,’ and so as I knew that I could give the ten pence a lot more cheerfully than I could give the fifty pence, I gave it.”
Trouble The minister’s son had just received a bad report from school. “Dad, what do you think is the trouble with me? Heredity, environment or original son?”
Cheers The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my children from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
Go to church this Sunday - and avoid the Christmas rush.
A High Church bishop once found his mitre needed reversing during the service, having been replaced on his head back to front. A server realized his predicament and started to turn it round for the bishop. “Steady on there, lad,” said the bishop. “It doesn’t screw on, you know.”
On our own It was once reported in Private Eye that the bishops were met together in conclave when the news came through that the Holy Spirit had resigned from the Church of England. “Whatever are we going to do now?” bemoaned a couple of new bishops. A wise old hand soon calmed them down: “We shall just carry on as usual, of course!”
Oops A young missionary in Chile was learning to ride a horse, an animal with which he was totally unfamiliar. “I don’t like the look of its head,” he complained to his riding instructor. “Don’t worry,” said the instructor – “you’ll soon get over that!”
I can never forgive God for creating the French. (Peter Ustinov)
Heaven and hell Heaven is an English policeman, a French cook, a German engineer, an Italian lover and everything organized by the Swiss. Hell is an English cook, a French engineer, a German policeman, a Swiss lover and everything organized by the Italians. (John Elliot)
The minister was praising his church council. “Unlike others I have known where half the council does all the work and the other half are hopeless, in this church it is completely the reverse!”
Seasoned travellers, the missionary and his wife went to book reservations at the airlines counter. They humbly requested: “Two tickets to wherever our luggage is going.”
The new minister, encouraged by the numbers in church for his first sermon, began: “I have never had the pleasure of preaching to such a dense crowd before.”
Are you ‘Over the Hill’? You may be headed that way if . . .
You wake up looking like your driver's license photo. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. When happy hour is a nap. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top
The Patio My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. So he carefully stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks back against the house. Observing all this with great fascination, our next-door neighbour finally asked: "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
Nun A sister from a local convent became a Certified Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
Sins A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met an over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
This tale comes from a Catholic elementary school. . .
Apples Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl lay a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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