Smile Lines
With holidays beginning....
First woman:
Is your daughter home from school for the holidays?
Second woman: I think so. One of her sisters said she saw
her the day before yesterday.
On a post-card from an expensive mountain-resort: "Having a wonderful time. Wish I could afford it."
The camera never lies, and it takes a family holiday album to convince some people that the truth is a terrible thing.
A resort is a place where the natives live on your holiday money until next summer.
When all the cars in the world are laid end to end, you know it's the beginning of your holiday.
A father was
taking his little girl to the zoo. They stopped outside
the lion cage.
"Daddy, would those lions eat you if they
could?" asked the little girl.
"Yes, they would," said the father.
"But - then-" stammered the little girl,
"what bus would I get home?"
Englishman:
Odd names your towns have. Hoboken, Weehawken, Oshkosh,
Poughkeepsie.
American: I suppose they do sound odd to English ears. Do
you live in London, then?
Englishman: No indeed. I spend part of my time in
Chipping Norton, and divide the rest between Biggleswade,
Lesser Snoring and Leighton Buzzard.
With St Swithins day and rainy English summers in mind...
Teachers are never fully appreciated by parents until it rains all day Saturday.
Tenant: This
roof is so bad that it rains on our heads. How long is
this going to continue?
Owner: What do you think I am? A weather prophet?
On the other hand…
A tourist
travelling through the Texas Panhandle got talking to an
old settler and his son at a petrol station. "Looks
as though we might have rain," ventured the tourist.
"I hope so," replied the old man. "Not so
much for myself as for my boy here. I've seen it
rain."
With 4 July and modern America in mind...
"We wonder if the eloquent founders of this nation would have talked so glowingly of posterity if they had known we were going to be it."
Only Americans have mastered the art of being prosperous though broke.
There is no doubt this is a land of promise - when we hear the candidates who are seeking the votes of the people.
"An Eskimo woman is old at forty," says an explorer. An American woman is not old at forty. In fact, she's not even forty.
Tourist:
"What inspired the old-time pioneers to set forth in
their covered wagons?"
Native: "Well, maybe they did not want to wait about
30 years for a train."
A tourist was
enjoying the wonders of California as pointed out by a
native.
"What beautiful grapefruit!" he said, as they
passed through a grove of citrus trees.
"Oh, those lemons are a bit small owing to a bad
season," shrugged the native.
"What are those enormous blossoms?" questioned
the tourist a little further on.
"Just a patch of dandelions," shrugged the
native.
Presently they reached the torrent that was the
Sacramento River.
"Ah," said the tourist, "don't tell me:
someone's radiator is leaking."
Musings on modern life
Golf liars have one advantage over the fishing kind - they don't have to show anything to prove it.
The
jewellers' assistant was getting married. When the time
came for him to present the bride with the ring, he
hesitated.
"With this ring," prompted the minister.
"With this ring," said the bridegroom, "we
give a written guarantee that the price will be refunded
if it is not as represented."
Customer:
Remember that cheese you sold me yesterday?
Grocer: Yes, madam.
Customer: Did you say it had been imported or deported
from Switzerland?
Joe:
"What's become of the rambling club?"
Jim: "Oh, it disbanded. It was getting too hard to
persuade passing motorists to pick us up and give us a
lift."
Two herrings
Cain and Abel used the local pub quite a lot. One night
Cain went in by himself. "Where's your Abel
tonight" asked the barman.
"How should I know? Am I my brother's kipper"
replied Cain.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused anaesthetic when his dentist was doing root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication !
A young man living in a Puritan community had difficulty with etiquette. He asked a wise old man to teach him proper manners. On their way into church one Sunday morning the young man was about to go in ahead of his elder. The old man immediately pulled him back and, furthermore allowed a lady to go in ahead of them both. "Remember," explained the old man, "it is I before Thee except after She."
One-liners
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybird?
Six tricky questions
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But an hour later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
The Answers!
1. The third.
Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put
the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which
water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words:
"Hamm... Barbecue."
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6. The letter "e", which is the most common
letter in the English language, does not appear once in
the long paragraph.
