Smile Lines
With summer days ahead....
Holiday resort: A place that overlooks a lake, and also overlooks comfortable beds and good food.
Travel: an experience that fills the mind and empties the purse.
Tourist: a chap who travels 2000 miles to have his photograph taken in front of his car.
Rush hour: when the traffic stands still.
Riding: the art of keeping a horse between yourself and the ground.
Sign in wallpaper and paint store: 'Husbands choosing colours must have note from wives.'
**
Caught out!
The wee lad was obviously not paying attention during the Bible story. “Robert” said the teacher sternly, “Can you tell me how God knew Adam and Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit?” Robert frowned hard; then he beamed. “Please, Miss. It was because God saw the peelings!”
**
Bishop
The bishop was disappointed with the attendance at a church he was visiting and asked the incumbent if he had advertised his visit to preach. “No, bishop,” he replied promptly, “but I'll soon deal with the wretch who did!”
**
The inmate
A bishop of Bath & Wells was visiting a psychiatric hospital in his diocese one afternoon. An inmate was feeling sociable and asked him who he was. “I'm the Bishop of Bath and Wells,” replied the bishop.
The inmate laughed heartily. “No! No! Really, who are you?”
“I really am the Bishop of Bath & Wells,” said the bishop firmly.
The inmate sighed and said gently: “Never mind. You'll soon get over it. When I first arrived I thought I was Napoleon Bonaparte!”
**
Bishops writing about curates...
“Mr Jones left his last curacy because the vicar wanted him to be present at the 9.30am daily Eucharist. Mr Jones complained that he couldn't work under those conditions!”
“Mr Wright sets low personal standards for himself and then consistently fails to achieve them...”
“His last parish would follow him anywhere – but only out of morbid curiosity.”
An American bishop once advised his young clergy with regard to preaching: “If you don't strike oil in ten minutes, stop boring!”
**
First
A minister asked a little girl what she thought of her first church service. “The music was nice,” she said, “but the commercial was too long.”
**
Spur
First pioneer missionary: “Why are you wearing only one spur?”
Second pioneer missionary: “Well, I figure that when one side of the horse starts running, the other side will, too.”
**
Indigestion
Did you hear about the cannibal with chronic indigestion? He kept on eating people who disagreed with him.
**
Snapdragon
Just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life. Part of me has snapped...and the rest of me is draggin.
**
Open-mouthed
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
**
Can't win
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
**
Good marriages
Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman."
"Oh yes it is," Sally replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."
**
Bank account
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
**
Musings on modern life.
I've had amnesia once -- or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Is there another word for synonym?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Upper crust: a number of persons stuck together by their dough.
Reunion: when you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you.
Rich man: a man who has so much money that he doesn't even know his son is about to start university.