| A
list of actual announcements that London Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers... "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which
case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction". "Your
delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing
his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do
you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the
town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is
a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination." "Ladies
and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our
minds off it and pass some time together. All together
now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We
are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they
had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but
no, they don't think about things like that". "Beggars
are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars, if you have any spare change,
please give it to a registered charity, failing that,
give it to me." During
an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right
this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately towels are not provided". "Let
the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care - I'm going home...." "Please
allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and
separate instructions." "Please
note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors." "To
the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?" |