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Smile Lines
With holiday season in full force...
The fishing was so bad on our holiday that even the liars didn't catch any. - H V Prochnow
Pretty
The little girl's visiting aunt said to her: “You're pretty dirty, aren't you?” “Yes,” the little girl replied, “But I'm even prettier clean.”
Tuneful
A young tourist was strumming his guitar on the balcony of his hotel in the small hours of the morning when the hotel owner knocked on the door. “Do you know other guests are asleep?” he demanded. “No,” admitted the young musician. “But hum a little of it. Maybe I'll pick it up as we go along.”
Oops
The driver was concentrating on the traffic, but he had this niggling feeling that he had forgotten something. He stopped, checked his suitcases and his wallet and airline ticket, and they were all there. Baffled, he drove on and finally he reached the airport, where he met up with the rest of the family. His little grandson rushed up and hugged him. “Hi Grandpa! Where's Grannie?”
Foreign food
Tourist in Spanish restaurant: I can't eat this soup. Waiter: I'll call the manager, sir. (Manager arrives) Tourist: This soup – I can't eat it. Manager: I regret that. I'll call the chef. (Chef arrives) Tourist: I can't eat this soup. Chef: What's the matter with it? Tourist: Nothing – no spoon.
Action holidays
I'll bicycle, ski and fence for hours. I'll do the sort that need hot showers. I'll play golf and love missing all my putts, But walking – just walking – drives me NUTS!
Summertime: when you don't pay your bills, and the creditors think you're on holiday
Torch
“Is it true,” the tourist asked the game warden, “that wild animals on this reserve will not harm you if you carry a torch?” “It all depends,” said the game warden thoughtfully, “on how fast you carry it.”
Bad Timing
The luggage-laden husband stared miserably out the window of the airline terminal at the departing jet. “If you hadn't taken so long in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we would have caught that plane!” ”That may be,” she retorted. “But if you hadn't hurried me along, we wouldn't have so long to wait for the next one!”
Not all bad
An airplane pilot addressed his passengers over the intercom system to tell them he had lost his way in the violent storm over the ocean. He explained that the radar had stopped working, no radio beam could be picked up, and the compass was smashed. “But,” he added encouragingly, “you will be glad to know that we are making very good time.”
Ouch
Eager little Billy was determined to try the diving board. When he jumped and landed with a whacking belly-flop, he struggled ashore to announce, “Well, I did it, but that swimming pool could sure use some water softener!”
Alone again
A middle-aged couple were sunning themselves on a holiday beach resort. “Do you know, Arthur,” said the wife dreamily, “This is the first time we've ever been anywhere without the children?” “Yes Penelope,” her husband replied. “And believe it or not, I kind of miss them. Throw some sand in my face.”
Go on
The parents of a little boy either couldn't or wouldn't control him during the flight from London to Majorca. The child was running up and down the aisle and getting in the way. Finally, as the stewardess was serving coffee, he bumped into her and caused her to spill the tray. As she was cleaning up the mess, she eyed the boy and suggested with a smile: “Why don't you be a good little boy and run outside and play awhile?”
The modern youngster's idea of roughing it is to live in a house with only one phone.
Goo Goo and Potsie Coo
To this the baby listens, By the hour, day and week, And yet his mother wonders Why he doesn't learn to speak!
If you want to write something that has a good chance of lasting forever, sign a home mortgage.
Final curtain
“Did the play have the usual happy ending?” “Oh yes – everybody was glad when it was over!”
Spotted in a parish magazine from Southend-on-Sea:
'Church Mission Society report: this has been held over because of limited space in this issue. The Seven Deadly Sins: This month's sin is also being saved for next month.'
Miscellaneous observations on life...
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, isn't it nice that wrinkles don't hurt.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people happy?
Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside us.
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some of us just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
If the shoe fits, buy it in every colour.
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