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Smile Lines
October is a time for Harvest Festivals and Suppers...
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Harvest Supper Friday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.
The Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
October is also a time for drumming up enthusiasm for giving and for community efforts...
The new young curate unveiled the church's tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Jumble sale: The ladies of our church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
A way with words...
- A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. - What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) - Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana. - A backward poet writes inverse. - In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes. - If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. - With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. - Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. - When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. - The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. - You get stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
You too
Here's how to tell if you are a bona fide Roman Catholic, Anglican, or Lutheran: when you are watching Star Wars, and hear "May the Force be with you", you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
Fighting fat
Two overweight middle-aged women were out on their daily exercise stroll, talking about their frustration with their figures. One woman complained that her bulging tummy made her an 'apple-shape', while her friend bemoaned her 'pear-shape' which meant such thick upper thighs. She feared that the fat was there to stay, no matter what she did. Her friend agreed, saying: "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
Say it with hymns
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a £1,000 cheque in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."
You know you live in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave. 2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You email your mate who works at the next desk to you. 5. When you go home after a long day at work you answer the phone in a business manner. 6. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial '9' to get an outside line. 7. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 8. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news. 9. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 10. Contractors out-number permanent staff and are more likely to receive long-service awards.
Say it
Said the parson at the wedding Don't be nervous for you see Everything that's said or done You say or do it after me.
Wilt thou take and wed this woman And endeavour to be true? But the bridegroom much embarrassed Only stammered, “After you!”
Mother commenting on teenage son: My son is going through one of those awkward stages, from hooligan to layabout.
Husband: “What are you doing standing there, staring into the fridge?” Wife: “Fighting temptation, dear.”
Heaven Q: Why are there so few men with whiskers in heaven? A: Because most men get in by a close shave.
Harp n' roll Saint Peter to new arrival from a rock group: I'm sorry, you'll have to be satisfied with the harp. There are no electric guitars up here.”
Priest: “Do you want to go to heaven?” Parishioner: “No, father.” Shocked priest: “But you must want to go to heaven when you die!” Parishioner: “Oh yes, when I die, Father. But I thought you were getting a party together right now.”
Happy marriage An elderly couple were asked the secret of their long and happy marriage, and the wife explained: “In our house, my husband makes all the major decisions and I make all the minor ones. For example, he decides such things as what we should do about East-West trade, crime in the streets, the war in Iraq, welfare cheating, and any increase in taxes. I take care of the minor things such as to which house we buy, what kind of car we drive, how much money we spend, and how we raise the children.
Grand-dad and the Computer The computer swallowed Grand-dad Yes honestly, it's true. He pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It's devoured him completely The thought just makes me squirm. Maybe he's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the internet But nothing could I find. I asked Jeeves in desperation My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found online. So, if someday in your 'In Box' My Grand-dad you should see. Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him In an e-mail back to me.
Why a university would never give God a PhD 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
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