Smile-lines Died
in the services Little
Alex was staring up at the large brass plaque that hung
on the side wall of the church. The plaque was covered
with names, and seemed to fascinate the seven- year old. “All
those names,” he said to the minister. “Who are
they?” “Well,
they were people who used to go to this church,”
explained the minister. “This is a memorial to all
the young men and women who died in the services." Soberly,
they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the Last
chance? The
vicar was very ill, and was told by his doctor not to
have too many visitors. However, when his agnostic friend
called, the unbeliever was ushered into the vicar’s
bedside. “I do appreciate,” said the agnostic,
“your seeing me when so many of your friends have
not been able to see you.” “Well, it’s
like this,” said the vicar. “I feel confident
that I shall see my friends in heaven, but I was worried
that this might be my last chance to see you!” Say
that again? A
woman telephoned her Bank and spoke to the Accountant who
looked at her holdings, “I want to make some
changes, “she said. The Accountant asked for more
details. “Are you interested in Conversion or
Redemption?” he asked. “Good heavens, came the
reply. “I must have got the wrong number. I wanted
the Bank of England, not the Church of England..” What
bishops do We
were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.
At one point, our minister had the children gather at the
altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He
began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop
does?" There
was silence. Finally, one little boy ventured: "He’s
the one you can move diagonally." When
children tell Bible stories (real-life efforts
that didn’t quite make it...) *
*
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. *
Jesus ruled that "a man doth not live by sweat alone." *
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. *
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
decibels. *
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a
taximan. As
for those signs found outside churches: *
Church car park sign...FOR MEMBERS ONLY. Trespassers will
be baptised!! *
No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace. *
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! *
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! *
Outside one church is a picture of two hands holding
stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are
inscribed. A headline reads: ‘For fast relief, take
two tablets.’ *
When the restaurant next to a church put out a big sign
with red letters that said, ‘Open Sundays’, the
church reciprocated with its own message: ‘We are
open on Sundays, too.’ *
A singing group called ‘The Resurrection’ was
scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm
postponed the performance, the minister fixed the outside
sign to read, ‘Resurrection
is postponed - due to snow. ’ *
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! *
Weight Watchers will meet at *
Thursday at Children’s
Kitchen Terms BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic
"Yuck" before a food is even tasted. CASSEROLE:
Combination of favourite foods that go uneaten because
they are mixed together. DESSERT:
The reason for eating a meal. EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to
clear the table or wash dishes. FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert. REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner
when not being used as an art gallery. SODA
POP: Shake ‘N Spray. TABLE
LEG: Percussion instrument. And
finally... An
atheist has no invisible means of support. The
way Bernard Shaw believed in himself was so very
refreshing in these atheistic days when so many people
believe in no God at all. (I Zangwill) Have
you heard about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who lay
awake at night wondering; “Is there a Dog?” People
are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are. A
sexton is a man who minds his keys and pews. Dear
Paddy, The Vicar here thinks very highly of your father.
He’s given him a job so important that he has five
hundred men under him. He’s cutting grass in the
churchyard. I’m
not C of E, I’m from the Methylated church. |