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St. James the Least of All
Letter from St James the Least of All –
Did St Paul text the Thessalonians? Or fax the Corinthians?
The Rectory St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
No, I do not think it would be a good idea for us to correspond by your wretched ‘e-mail’ in future – as I am sure you know I do not possess an e-mail apparatus. At St. James the Least, we may well be poised to make the great leap forward into the next century, but when we do so, we shall leap forward into the nineteenth; it will be enough for future generations to give consideration to progression towards the twentieth. Beyond that does not bear speculation.
Pen and ink has been the medium of choice for generations of clergy, as they should be for you too. St. Paul, may I remind you, did not send a Fax to the Corinthians - and was even proud to mention that part of his letter was written by his own hand. And while I am on the subject, it would greatly please me if you stopped using ball-point pens; they may be suitable for tradesmen, but not for a Clerk in Holy Orders. Do get yourself a good fountain pen and some permanent blue-black ink. Beware of parishioners who write to you in green ink; it is a sure sign they are unbalanced.
Modern technology may well have a place in the commercial world, but it should not impinge on the life of the Church. Your photocopied monthly magazine admittedly looks rather grand, but it needs a smudged cyclostyled edition to re-assure readers that this is a truly Anglican production. The sight of Miss Pemberton thumping out those stencils on her grandfather’s typewriter, which he used during the Crimean campaign, running off the copies and emerging hours later liberally covered in black ink gives a re-assuring sense of continuity with the past. Seeing her days later at church, still stained with printers’ ink, makes those parishioners who don’t know the real reason, speculate on whether she is moonlighting as a chimney sweep.
In a similar vein, I despair of calls from commercial travellers trying to get me to change my photocopier to a more modern version, one that can mix me a gin and tonic, and make lunch while simultaneously running off endless copies of irrelevant material at frightening speed. We do not possess a photocopier and never will while I am Rector of this parish. What is wrong with carbon paper, may I ask?
When Jesus taught his disciples, did he have to wait until they all got their recorders switched on? When he told them where they were to go, did they get out their electronic diaries to see if they had a ‘window’ that day? When St. Paul wanted to check on the well-being of the Thessalonians, did he think of testing them?
I rest my case.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
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