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Smile Lines
The doctor sat his patient down: "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news." The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
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When you consider what it costs to have a funeral these days, no wonder we refer to them as the dear departed!
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“Now, tell me, was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?”
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I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.
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At the wedding, the bride tripped and fell into the arms of the minister. ‘That’s the first time I’ve held a fallen woman,’ he quipped. To which she retorted: ‘It’s the first time I’ve been picked up by a minister!’
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An old lady went to church and heard the young minister preach. When she was leaving someone asked her what she thought of him. “Well!” she said, “he was truly apostolic. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel.”
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A priest accidentally tore his cassock ascending the pulpit making a loud ripping sound. To make matters worse, he announced his text: ‘Rend your hearts and not your garments.’
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A woman went to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune-teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I get away with it?"
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour’s wife."
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen"
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The history teacher was trying to impress upon her class the advantages of peace and disarmament. “How many of you boys object to war?” she asked. Up went several hands. “And why is that, Charles?” she went on. “Cause wars make history,” Charles responded soberly.
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Question: Is there anything the matter with the car? Answer: Well, there’s only one part of it that doesn’t make a noise, and that is the horn.
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Two elderly men at a club were discussing the table manners of a new member. “Well, what do you think of him?” “Very remarkable,” replied the other thoughtfully. “I’ve heard soup gargled and siphoned, but that’s the first time I’ve ever heard it yodelled.”
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“When Lot’s wife looked back,” said the Sunday School teacher, “what happened to her?” “She was transmuted into chloride of sodium,” replied the boy with the high IQ.
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With American Thanksgiving Day in mind:
The Pilgrim mothers stood all the trials that the Pilgrim Fathers stood, but in addition, stood the Pilgrim Fathers.
Mother turkey to baby turkeys misbehaving: “If your father could see you now, he’d be turning in his gravy.”
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How much petrol does the tank in your car hold? I don’t know. I’ve never had enough money to get it filled yet.
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A bookseller emailed a publisher in Leeds asking that a dozen copies of ‘Seekers After God’ be shipped to him at once. He received this reply: No seekers after God in Leeds. Try Sheffield.
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Reporter: What do you think is the trouble with farming these days? Old farmer: Well – in my day when we talked about what we could raise on 60 acres, we meant maize, not bank loans.
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History would not have to repeat itself so often if the world would listen.
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A wizard is a person who can keep up with the neighbours and the monthly instalments, too.
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Regardless of how many items there are on the church council agenda, a meeting will take the same amount of time.
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People nowadays treat the Ten Commandments like a history exam – they attempt only three.
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