Smile Lines The
Four Stages of Life for modern man 1.
You believe in Santa Claus. 2.
You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3.
You are Santa Claus. 4.
You look like Santa Claus. Baby
Jesus on flight to Egypt A
Sunday School teacher had asked her class to draw
pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Thomas’ picture which showed four people
in an aeroplane. So she asked him which story it was
meant to represent. “The
flight to “I
see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby
Jesus, but who is the fourth person?” asked the
teacher. “Oh,
that’s Pontius the Pilot.” Baby
Jesus goes missing After
the Christmas morning service, the baby Jesus was missing
from the crib. The vicar was searching for him when a
little girl arrived with a doll’s pram and started
lifting the baby Jesus and putting him back into the crib
saying: “I told you that if I got a pram for
Christmas you would be the first to get a ride in it!” Oops A
father gave his daughter a young puppy for Christmas. An
hour later, he found her in the kitchen, looking sadly at
a puddle in the centre of the floor. “Look Dad,”
she said, “My pup runneth over!” Angels Child
introducing Christmas carol in church: “Our next
song is: ‘Angels We Have Heard Get High’” Three
Wise Women What
would have happened if there had actually been Three Wise
Women, rather then Men? They would have asked directions;
arrived on time; helped to deliver the baby; cleaned the
stable; made a casserole; brought practical gifts, and
there would be Peace on Earth. Share this thought with
the wise women in your life! Skating How
does skating on thin ice get you into hot water? Last
orders Child’s
frantic last minute letter to Father Christmas: “I
wanna put in a new order quick, as I just found all those
things which I asked you for under the spare room bed.” No
room The
teacher explained to her class that Joseph and Mary had
to sleep in the stable, because there was no room at the
inn. A little boy piped up: “I blame Joseph, Miss.
He should have booked in advance like my Dad does.” Stockings The
most unbelievable thing about Christmas is that poem
about children hanging up their stockings by the chimney
with care. We live in a flat - no chimney. We don’t
have stockings in our home, and when have you ever heard
of a child hanging anything up? Mary A child
making an inspired attempt: ...When Mary heard she was to
be the mother of Jesus, she went off and sang the Magna
Carta. Label Always
label the Christmas presents you receive. Then you won’t
give them back to the same people next year! Holy
Land The
vicar went to We
bought his ticket, booked his seat, and put
him on the flight. Now
Sundays we have sermons on Jerusalem and Dan
Archaeology, the and
Palaeolithic man.
we’ve
got nothing more to fear ‘Cos
we are sending him to Modern
life No
woman ever shot her husband while he washing the dishes. Light
travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak. He who
laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone
has a photographic memory. But sadly, some don't have
film. On the
other hand, you have different fingers. I just
got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Blessed
are those who can laugh at themselves, for they will
never cease to be amused. Seen it
all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Real
life – as seen on TV This
Christmas as you watch the feature films on TV, you may
notice that… Large,
loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and
affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed. One of
a pair of identical twins is evil. Should
you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire
to cut. You will always choose the right one. It
doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one... dancing around in a
threatening manner until you have dispatched their
predecessors. When
you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue. If you
are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a
world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs,
hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22. Honest
and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day
or two before retirement. During
all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a
strip club at least once. All
beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the
armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying
beside her. All
grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread
and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops. If you
are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while
scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are
overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will
smear. The
ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there, and you can travel to any other part of the
building without difficulty. Rather
than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly
gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which
will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
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