St. James-the-Least Happily,
the Church of England still retains some singular parish
clergy. Take the parish of St James-the-Least in the Letter
from St James the Least of All – On
what sort of dog a clergyman should own The
Rectory St.
James the Least of All My
dear Nephew Darren I am
absolutely delighted to hear that you are thinking of
getting a dog. It must be something substantial, and not
one prone to making amorous advances towards parishioners’
dogs or parishioners’ legs. A mongrel may be all
very well for you as a curate, but think to the future
when you are an incumbent, and get a pedigree. It sets a
better tone at the Rectory. It should also be a breed
that sheds hair copiously, which should deter your more
fastidious parishioners from bothering you at home. If it
also slavers that is a bonus. I would recommend you do
not get a sheepdog. They become neurotic trying to round
everyone up as they roam round your lawn at the annual
Summer Fete. It can
be quite useful giving your dog a name that - naturally,
by coincidence - is remarkably similar to that of an
awkward parishioner. Being able to bawl out commands to
“come”, “sit”, and “stop that”,
along with the pet’s name, can be cathartic to you,
salutary to the parishioner concerned and instructive to
the rest of your congregation. Dogs
keep every confidence you tell them, are infinitely
sympathetic when you moan about the flower arrangers and
make an excellent audience when you rehearse your Sunday
sermon on them. Just like parishioners, my When
gentlemen of the road call, before you open the door,
make a series of very audible commands that imply you are
restraining a ravenous beast. That your ravenous beast is
on its back, feet in the air and tail wagging, is
irrelevant. It will make your caller hesitate to ring the
bell another time. Dogs
also provide an excellent excuse for terminating endless
meetings, overlong phone calls, parish socials and visits
to the bishop. Even the hardest of hearts cannot stop you
from dashing home to give your pet a toilet break, much,
of course, as you would like to continue enjoying
yourself with whoever it is you are obliged to flee from.
But do
not take them to your church council meetings; when
difficult decisions have to be made, you can never rely
on them voting the way you want. Your loving uncle, Eustace |