Smile
Lines Practical
Tricks to Play on Santa 1.
Instead of milk and biscuits, leave him a salad and a
note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a
few pounds. 2.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him
a speeding ticket. 3.
Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with
exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he
tries to get them to fly. 5.
Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs.
Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some
milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 6.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake
arrives. 7.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it.
As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he
shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 8.
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been
robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a
policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return
to the scene of the crime." 9.Leave
Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map
with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new
house. Abandoned
prisoner sues God A
Romanian prisoner serving 20 years for murder has sued
God for failing to save him from the Devil. The inmate
claims his Baptism was a contract with God to keep him
out of trouble. "God
even claimed and received from me various goods and
prayers in exchange for forgiveness and the promise that
I would be rid of problems and have a better life,"
he wrote in the lawsuit. "But on the contrary I was
left in the Devil's hands." Court
officials said the legal action is likely to be dropped
because they're unable to subpoena God. Jewish
fathers A
Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out,
and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him
up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last
week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I
go wrong?" "Funny
you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like
you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him
through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he,
too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What
did you do?" asked the father. "I
turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And
what did he say?" pressed the father. "God
said, 'Funny you should come to me...' " The
four stages of life 1)
You believe in Santa Claus. 2)
You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3)
You are Santa Claus. 4)
You look like Santa Claus. Santa's
helpers are subordinate clauses. By
the time father gets the holiday bills paid, it is time
to think about Christmas presents. The
only trouble with doing your Christmas shopping early is
to get your wherewithal on the same schedule. You
may get along at Christmas time without the holly, but
you must have the berries. You
might as well do your Christmas hinting early. Most
of us are confident we could move the mountains if
somebody would clear the hills out of our way. Sign
on a Scottish golf course: Members will refrain from
picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling. Some
car drivers don’t need seatbelts as much as they
need straitjackets. Customer
(to headwaiter): “Just for a point of information,
did the waiter who took my order leave any family?” A
magazine writer says we need a new religion. But let’s
not do anything rash until we try the old ones. Anon Blessed
are the peacemakers; they will never be unemployed A
professor was lecturing his physics class. “If
molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split
into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any
further?” “I’m
not certain,” replied one of the his pupils, “But
a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a
Christmas package marked ‘fragile’” At a
rehearsal for a Sunday school Christmas tableau, the
teacher carefully lined up four little ‘cherubs’.
Each carried a huge cut-out letter. As they stood side by
side, the letters would spell out “STAR”. A
slight mix-up occurred, and those present in the church
auditorium nearly fell out of their pews as the four
little performers took their places – in reverse. It
was so cold last night, the thermometer knocked on the
door and wanted to come in. Toastmaster:
And now, our featured speaker is a fellow who needs no
introduction – he didn’t show up! A lot
of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A
boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small
medium at large. Once
you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers
trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Acupuncture
is a jab well done. A man
walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me,
can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist:
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man:
"Yes, I know." Dentist:
"So why did you come in here?" Man:
"The light was on..." "Vegetarian.
That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" -
Andy Rooney There
was once a man who said “God Must
think it exceedingly odd If he
finds that this tree Continues
to be When
there’s no one about in the Quad. Dear
Sir, Your astonishment’s odd: I am
always about in the Quad. And
that’s why the tree Will
continue to be, Since
observed by Yours Faithfully, God
Ronald Arthbuthnot Knox |