Smile Lines Where the warfare is the hottest A very dirty little fellow came in
from playing in the garden and asked his mother: 'Who am
I?' Somewhere on this earth a woman is
giving birth to a child every ten seconds. We must find
this woman and stop her at once. (Sam Levenson) One man: 'My wife just got a ticket
for speeding.' She took him for better or for
worse, but unfortunately he was worse than she took him
for. Basically my wife was immature. I'd
be home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
(Woody Allen) First foreigner: My wife has no
children. She is impregnable! A man placed some flowers on the
grave of his dearly departed mother and started back
toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying
with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man
approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration
of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do
you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner
took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My
wife's first husband." Joe had asked
Bob to help him repair his car after work, so Bob went
straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the
door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and
told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed
her at work. When it was time for supper, he
complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told
her how much he loved her. While they
were working on the car, Bob confessed his surprise that
Joe fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that
he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived
their marriage and things couldn't be better. Bob thought
he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his
wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved
her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was
confused and asked why she was crying. She said,
"This is the worst day of my life. First,
little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his
ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded
the basement. And now, you come home
drunk!" A helpful
household tip for other wives... Who says
people never remember to write in about the good things a
product does, but only the bad? Dear Tide, The
Boss Kyle and
Justin were about to eat with their baby sitter when
6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's
seat!" "Daddy's
not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm
responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here.
Today I'm the boss." Justin, the 4
year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you
sit over there in Mommy's chair!" Moses
revisited Nine year old
Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday school. "Well,
Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of "Now,
Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?"
his mother asked, somewhat alarmed. "Well,
no, Mum. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!" Where
babies come from For weeks a
six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby
brother or sister that was expected at his house.
Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the
movements of the unborn child. The six-year
old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about
the impending event. The teacher
finally took the little boy aside one day, and asked:
"James, whatever has become of that baby brother or
sister you were expecting at home?" James burst
into tears and confessed, "I think Mummy ate
it!" Long
Sermon The Sunday
sermon had gone on and on - and on. The little girl, who
really had been trying to behave herself, knew that after
the sermon, there was still the offertory to go, and
probably a final hymn. She began to grow more and more
restless. Then she had
an idea! Leaning over toward her mother, she whispered
quietly into her ear, "Mommy, do you think that
maybe if we just went ahead and gave him the money now,
he'd let us go?" A hospital
posted a notice in the nurses' restroom saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's
life are the most dangerous." Are
you getting 'past it'? You may be, if you can agree with
the following... You sit in a
rocking chair and can't get it going. The
pharmacist has become your new best friend. Getting
'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot. The twinkle
in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your
bifocals. It takes
twice as long - to look half as good. Everything
hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You look for
your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head
the whole time. You sink your
teeth into a steak - and they stay there. You give up
all your bad habits and still don't feel good. People think
that you have more patience, but actually you just don't
care anymore. You finally
get your head together - and your body starts falling
apart. You wonder
how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it. |