Smile Lines

Smile Lines

Can't win
Speak easy
Bible questions
If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media
Musings on daily life
Proofs about Jesus
Archbishop Ramsey
Ring
The fly

Can't win

Have you heard the one about the Archbishop of Canterbury going fishing? He was spending a pleasant day out with some friends in a boat on a lake when he realised he'd left his lunch on the bank. So he got out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, collected his sandwiches & walked back to it again. The newspaper headlines the following day read: "Archbishop can't swim."

Speak easy

As a Reader, I sometimes give talks to local church women's groups on my hobby, which is visiting the great Cathedrals of Europe. One night after I spoke to a group, the lady who ran it thanked me profusely and gave me a check for £20.

I felt very embarrassed, and ventured: "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?" “That would be wonderful," she gushed. "Our programme could use the help. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."

Bible questions

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media

On Red Sea crossing:
            WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOUR STRIKE
            Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behaviour

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

Musings on daily life

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am having an out of money experience.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

I don't get even, I get odder.

Proofs about Jesus

Three proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican
1.         His first name was Jesus
2.         He was bilingual
3.         He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Three proofs that Jesus was black
1.        He called everybody 'brother'
2.        He liked gospel.
3.        He couldn't get a fair trial.

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish
1.        He went into his father's business
2.        He lived as home until he was 33.
3.        He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

Three proofs that Jesus was Italian.
1.        He talked with his hands
2.        He had wine with every meal
3.        He worked in the building trade

Three proofs that Jesus was a Californian
1.        He never cut his hair
2.        He walked around barefoot
3.        He started a new religion.

Three proofs that Jesus was Irish
1.        He never got married
2.        He was always telling stories
3.        He loved green pastures.

And now – the most compelling evidence!

Three proofs that Jesus was a woman
1.        He had to feed a crowd, at a moment's notice, when there was no food.
2.        He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3.        Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for      him to do.

Archbishop Ramsey

Archbishop Michael Ramsey was a one time canon of Durham. The dean's wife wrote to a friend: “He is nice. But he has no small talk. He can talk about the Atonement. But unfortunately or not, that is not a subject which is usually on our minds.”

Ring

A Roman Catholic bishop was being interviewed on his appointment to a new diocese. Someone enquired why the bishop wore a ring? He explained that it was a sign that he was married to his diocese. Quick as a shot came the next question: “Do you believe in divorce?”

The fly

A bishop of London was seated next to the French Ambassador when a fly settled on the tablecloth. Although the conversation had been in English, the bishop was keen to show off his knowledge of French in the presence of the ambassador. “Le mouche,” he commented, airily. After a brief glance, the Ambassador smiled and said: “La mouche.” The bishop studied the insect once again very closely and finally he exclaimed: “I must say, you've got remarkably good eyesight!”

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