Smile Lines Here
are some miscellaneous one-liners on Christianity ... The best
vitamin for a Christian is B1. Under the
same management for over 2000 years. Soul food
served here. Don't
give up on yourself. Even Moses was once a basket case. Satan
subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies. What he
lacked in depth as a preacher he made up for in length.
Mark Twain That
church is so sick, they don't have sides-people, they
have nurses! Was
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark? Lead me
not into temptation. I can find it myself. Bitten Two older
women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social
circle met at a party at their country club. "My
dear," said Melinda, "Are those real
pearls?" "They are," replied Coleen.
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them," smiled Melinda. Coleen responded
sweetly, "Yes, but for that you would need real
teeth." Too
far gone? The
orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff were helping transport many of the
items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of
my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't
considered the drive across town. At one traffic
light, the stares of the people in the car beside me
became obvious, and I looked across and explained,
"I'm delivering him to my doctor's
office." The other
driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to
tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too
late!" Like
Mummy A
two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while
her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm
going to look just like you, Mummy!" she announced. "Maybe,
when you grow up," her mother told her. "No
Mummy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old
Lady' you always use." A
missionary arrived in Around
dusk of the first day, he sat by the campfire with his
guide when in the distance, he heard tribal drums.
They got louder. The guide
announced uneasily, "I don't like the sound of those
drums." The dusk
darkened into evening. The drums got louder.
The guide said unhappily: "I really don't like the
sound of those drums." Suddenly
the drums stopped. A voice
from the darkness cried out: "Hey man, he's not our
regular drummer!" A
prayer for the Lottery A blonde
found herself in serious trouble. Her business had
gone bust and she was in dire financial straits.
She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for
help. So she
began to pray... "God, please help me. I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lottery." Lottery
night came, and somebody else won. She again
prayed... "God, please let me win the lottery!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my
car as well." Lottery
night comes and she still had no luck. Once
again, she prays... "Dear God, why have you forsaken
me? I've lost my business, my house, and my
car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask You for help, and I've always been a good
servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just
this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly
there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open. The blonde was overwhelmed by the Voice of
God, Himself... "Sweet-heart, work with Me on this,
buy a ticket!" Pay
special attention to the wording and spelling. If you
know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this
hilarious! It comes from a 1. In
the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam
and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals
came
on in pears. 3. Lots
wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of
fire during the night. 4. The
Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. 5.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by
a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson
slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 7.
Moses led the Jews to the bread
which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The
Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards,
Moses went up to 9. The
first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple. 10. The
seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses
died before he ever reached 12. The
greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David
was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He
fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
biblical times. 15. When
Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta. 16. When
the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus
was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption, 18. 19. Jesus
enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others
before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth
not live
by sweat alone. 21. The
people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The
epistles were the wives of the apostles. 23. One
of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. 25.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. You
Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...
The
following was overheard at a recent high society party... "My
ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the
Great," said one lady. She then turned to a
second woman and asked, "How far does your family go
back?" "I
don't know," was the reply. "All of our
records were lost in the flood." It's
not a cat, it's... A small,
four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. A
wildlife control expert impersonator. An
un-programmable animal. A four
footed allergen. A hair
relocation expert. A
treat-seeking missile. A
lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer. A small,
furry lap fungus. Jesus'
Dad's Name A Sunday
school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?" One child
answered, "Mary." The
teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's
name was?" A little
kid said, "Verge." Confused,
the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid
said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge n' Mary. Children
In Church 3-year-old,
Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold
is His name. Amen." A little
boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make
me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real
good time like I am." A Sunday
school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand,
stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbour's wife. After the
christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you
guys." I had
been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would
repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she
decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the
prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she
prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail." One
particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our
baskets." |