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St. James The Least of All
The Rectory St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
Your new thermostatically controlled, underwater illuminated baptismal tank with wave simulation, for total immersions sounds rather intimidating. I am slightly surprised you don’t have computer generated doves flying overhead in order to add that final touch of authenticity. I would imagine that to perform baptisms in your tank, with all of its computer technology, the clergy need less a degree in theology and more one in electrical engineering.
I do, however, agree with your Vicar’s decision to stop the practice of performing these rituals in the river Mersey. I would imagine your newly baptised would emerge from the waters filled with both the Holy Spirit and typhoid. On emerging, they could be provided with a baptismal certificate and a free ride to the hospital for a stomach pump. The river Jordan may have been all very well for John the Baptist, but the river Mersey does seem to lack a certain aesthetic charm.
Had I baptised dear Miss Pemberton in the Mersey last month – at 93 years, taking the decision a little late in life (I did not attempt to hold her in one arm) – being a lady of such proportions, I suspect she would have constituted a shipping hazard.
I appreciate your suggestion that such procedures would look charming on the banks of our local Cotswold stream, but irrespective of our differing theologies, I would not want to be seen by parishioners in my bathing costume. Such apparel may be all very well when I am on holiday somewhere where I am totally unknown, but it hardly seems fitting for an honorary Canon in his parish.
I do concede that baptisms in medieval fonts can have their own particular problems. The plug in our own has never fitted properly, and so after filling it, I know I have precisely 16 minutes and 45 seconds to come to the actual baptism, otherwise the water has disappeared entirely. As I have discovered over the years, it is impossible to look dignified disappearing into the vestry half way through the Service in order to fetch a second bucket. For baptisms in winter, the presentation from Admiral Barnaby of the small silver hammer has been a great help in order to break the ice which slowly forms across the surface as the service proceeds.
In future, as you and your own candidates luxuriate in this heated baptismal spa, do spare a thought for those of us who maintain the true faith.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
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