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SMILE-LINES
Why Jesus walked on water A tourist, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost £50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Goodness,” he objected to the travel agent. “In England it would not have been more than £20.”
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at £50 an hour for a boat," said the tourist, “it's no wonder he walked."
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism
PARENTAL EXCUSES These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):
~ My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
~ Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
~ Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
~ Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
~ Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
~ Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
~ Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education. One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them. Under ‘Previous Employment’, she listed ‘Baby-sitting’. And under ‘Reason for Leaving’ she wrote, ‘They came home’.
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship - Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line
1. Do these steps go up or down? 2. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt? 3. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship? 4. Does the crew sleep on the ship? 5. Is this island completely surrounded by water? 6. Does the ship make its own electricity? 7. Is it salt water in the toilets? 8. What elevation are we at? 9. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question was asked: ‘If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?’ 10. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
Good view At his wife’s insistence, a man purchased a home on a hilltop in a very exclusive section of the community. “I’ll bet there is quite a view from way up there,” said his friend enviously. “Yes,” replied the homeowner in a resigned manner. “On a clear day you can see the bank that holds the mortgage.”
The retiring sidesman was instructing his youthful successor in his Sunday morning duties. “And remember, my boy,” he said, “that we have nothing but good, kind Christians in this church – until you try to put someone else in their pew.”
Broad subject The young, very ambitious minister who felt he had a lot to say was invited to speak before a great convention. The letter he received gave him his subject: “The World, the War and the Church.” The scope of this bothered him considerably, and so he decided to take action. He wrote back: “Dear Sirs, I should like to address your convention, but I find it difficult to think of the World, the War and the Church. I should be glad if you will add to it: ‘The Sun, the Moon and the Stars’.”
Worth remembering. A man felt he was overloaded in the ‘trouble shooting department’ of his office, until he found this memo on his desk. “Be thankful for the problems, for if they were less difficult, someone with less ability would have your job.”
A wee bit too pious A Scottish lady invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, and he accepted with the dour reservation: “If I am spared.” “Weel, weel,” she replied briskly, “If ye’re deid I’ll no’ expect ye.”
Asleep A young man fell asleep in the Sunday morning service, and began to snore. The preacher stopped and impatiently motioned to the young boy beside the man to wake him up. The boy said: “Wake him up yourself, you put him to sleep.”
Water The Bishop was coming to speak at Deanery Synod and everything that could be done to make the evening a success had been done. There were fresh flowers on the table, and coffee and cakes prepared. When the Bishop arrived, however, he was in a crabby frame of mind. Looking around, he beckoned a nervous vicar over. “I would like to have a glass of water in front of me on the table, if you please,” he said.
“To drink?” was the vicar’s idiotic question.
“Oh no,” was the sarcastic reply. “When I’ve been speaking half an hour about parish shares, I do a high dive.”
Meow “What is your kitty’s name, James?” asked the visitor. “Ben Hur”, said James. “That’s a funny name for a cat. Why did you name it that?” “Well, we just called him Ben - until he had kittens.”
Father, asked the little boy. Did Solomon have seven hundred wives? I believe so, said the father. Well, Father, was he the man who said, Give me liberty or give me death?
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