St. Petrifieds New Letter Greetings
once more from St Petrifieds. Dangerous
fruit? Well,
at last Rev Spasm was forced to employ a firm of
reputable roofers to undertake the church repairs, at
some considerable cost. Served him right, he always tries
to cut corners but this time he was found out. The
following Sunday, the Archdeacon, The Venerable Humphrey
Claxton, came to preach a long sermon about the merits of
truthfulness. He glared at the vicar as he exhorted us
all to 'cast aside deceit and hypocrisy and speak the
truth one with another in order to receive the fruits of
the Spirit.' Now
I don't know about you, but I have never received any of
these fruits, not even at Harvest Festival. But I didn't
want anyone to think I was ungodly, so I nodded sagely,
as if I knew exactly what the archdeacon was talking
about and as if I had a whole bowl of these fruits on the
table back home. Then,
the more I thought about it, the more I wished to receive
these elusive fruits. So I resolved to take the
archdeacon's advice and to cast aside deceit and
hypocrisy and speak the truth. Many of the congregation
seemed to have had the same thought, for as I left the
church I heard Mr Kidman tell Rev Spasm that the
archdeacon's sermon had been much better than the vicar's
usual drivel. The
vicar smiled weakly under the watchful eye of the
archdeacon, but made a mental note to get his own back on
Mr Kidman for that remark. Then
the major told Miss Prim that her new hat looked
ridiculous and Miss Prim told the major that he was fat.
But when Mr Ledger pointed out to Mr McNasty (our verger
and resident homicidal maniac) that the church was not
very clean, I fled for home, wondering if honesty really
is always the best policy. By
Tuesday I had been banned from the Snare and Ferret
(along with the major and several other regulars) for
telling Bill Brewer that his beer was awful and his
prices too high. On Thursday I narrowly missed being
assaulted by Mr Fryer of The
following Sunday the church was engulfed in silence.
Everyone had managed to fall out with each other and Mr
Ledger sported the most magnificent black eye. Rev Spasm
preached a sermon on 'The Gift of Discernment' and the
ability to judge and encourage our brethren. Well, this
seemed a much better idea and far less confrontational. So
perhaps gifts are better than fruits for people like us.
Anyway, I'm off round to the Snare and Ferret this
evening to see if I can 'encourage' Bill Brewer to let me
in. |