Smile Lines With
Petertide ordinations in mind... First
friend: 'It took me forty years to discover I had not the
gifts for Holy Orders. Second
friend: 'Goodness, whatever did you do when you found
out?' First
friend: 'It was too late to do anything. By then I was a
bishop!' Advice to
young clergy on preaching: 'Consider the postage stamp.
Its usefulness consists in its ability to stick to one
thing until it gets there.' With
June weddings in mind... There's a
lot to be said about marriage, but try not to say it in
front of the children. - anon A little
girl asked her mother one day: 'Mum, do you and Dad have
sexual relations?' Mum was
caught off guard by this, but managed an
"ah...yes", trying to sound cool and
nonchalant. "Then why haven't I ever met any of
them?" the little girl complained. Marriages
are made in heaven. (Alfred Tennyson) Judge:
'Have you ever been cross examined before?' Accused:
'Yes, your honour, I am a married man.' At her
wedding the bride tripped and fell into the arms of the
vicar. 'That's the first time I've held a fallen woman,'
he quipped. To which she retorted: 'It's the first time
I've been picked up by a vicar!' Children's
attempts to describe married relationships: Christians
can have only one wife. This is called monotony. The first
commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. Holy
acrimony is another name for marriage. If
you've ever been exasperated with a priest, spare a
thought for bishops, who have to work with hundreds of
them. Here are some assessments of clergy, made by
bishops whose patience was perhaps wearing thin... 'Mr Smith
believes his last parish made him a scapegoat, as did his
three previous parishes.' 'Mr Brown
would be out of his depth in a church car park puddle.' 'Miss
Green has delusions of adequacy.' 'Mr
White, having reached rock bottom, has started to dig!' 'His last
parish would follow him anywhere – but only out of
morbid curiosity.' Miscellaneous
observations Learn
from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough
to make them all yourself. Money
isn't everything, but it certainly keeps the kids in
touch. Few
things are more satisfying than seeing your children have
teenagers of their own. What do I
think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very
good idea. (Mahatma Gandhi) Know him?
I know him so well that I haven't spoken to him for ten
years. (Oscar Wilde) I have so
much to do that I'm going to bed. (Robert Benchley) I've had
a wonderful evening – but this wasn't it. (Groucho
Marx) That's a
nice suit you are wearing. I wonder if that style will
ever come back? anon Ashes to
ashes; dust to dust; If cigarettes don't get you, the
atmosphere must! anon The
following piece is a real classic which has been around
for years, but which still deserves to go in every church
magazine.. The Bill Some
years ago an artist was commissioned to restore a mural
in a To: Cleaning
out St. David's ears - 2 shillings Polishing
up Pontius Pilate and putting new ribbons in his hat - 8
shillings Renewing
Heaven, adjusting the stars and cleaning the moon - 7
shillings Brightening
up the flames of hell, putting a new tail on the devil
and doing odd jobs for the damned - £1 11 shillings and
one penny Touching
up purgatory and restoring four lost souls - 7 shillings Improving
appearance of Pharaoh's daughter - 2 shillings Mending
shirt of Prodigal Son - 2 shillings The bill
was paid without comment! BEST
[ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003: Crack Found on Politician's Daughter
Cat
Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, A Sunday
school teacher asked her children, as they were on the
way to church service, "And
why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping." Six-year-old
Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church," she said. "Why?
Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie
pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers." A mother
was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan
3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for
a moral lesson. She said:
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you
be Jesus!" A father
was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the
shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He
died and went to Heaven," the father replied. The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him
back down?" A wife
invited some people to dinner. At the
table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and
said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "Just
say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why
on earth did I invite all these people to
dinner?" The
artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the
attraction he felt for his model finally became
irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his
arms and kissed her. She
pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you
kiss them," she said. "I've
never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?"
she said, softening, "How many models have there
been?" "Four,"
he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase." A father
is in church with three of his young children, including
his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in
the very front row so that the children could properly
witness the service. During
this particular service, the minister was performing the
baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl
was taken by this, observing that he was saying something
and pouring water over the infant's head. With a
quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing
that baby?" |