St. Petrifieds News Letter

The Prayer Group

Greetings once more from St Petrifieds. Upon his arrival at St Petrifieds several years ago, Rev Keen tried to establish a 'Parish Prayer Meeting'. This was a completely new concept to most of us because, as good Anglicans, we left all the praying to the clergy. What else do we pay them for?

Don't get me wrong, when it comes to proper prayers I can read them off the service card as good as the next man, but any spontaneous stuff should, in my opinion, be handled by the professionals.

Indeed, had it not been for Mrs Palfreyman, the prayer group, like most of the curate's schemes, might never have got off the ground.

Mrs Palfreyman describes herself as “a walking miracle”, because she has suffered from every affliction known to medical science, often several at a time. Sadly, her doctor refuses her treatment, and tells her she is a hypochondriac.  But  Mrs Palfreyman knows better, because she reads the medical books in the library and has a subscription to The Lancet, which enables her to stay up to date with all the very latest diseases. 

Her husband, Jeremiah, is not a squeamish man.  This is fortunate for both of them, as he can listen to all her symptoms for hours at a time (as long as the TV is on) without falling ill himself.  He says only, “it's good for her to have a hobby”.

Then the prayer group began, and Mrs Palfreyman’s great moment had come.  From the very first Wednesday afternoon she implored the group of kindly,  patient women in the church hall for help.  When Rev Keen invited the ladies to share their troubles for prayer, Mrs Palfreyman groaned piteously, and described her symptoms, pleading for prayer “before it is too late”. Praying for her took the rest of the meeting.

Mrs Palfreyman’s ailments were so great and causing her such suffering, that gradually the Parish Prayer Meeting became known as the Palfreyman Prayer Meeting.  Every week Rev Keen tried to prayer about something else, but there was never time, with Mrs Palfreyman about to expire in front of them all.

Then a few months ago the prayer group had a visitor.  He was a Mr Lucius Von Krankenwurst.  Apparently he is a faith healer with many successes to his name.  He had been contacted by a desperate member of the prayer group who had become truly alarmed by the graphic descriptions of what was happening in Mrs Palfreyman’s  digestive system. 

Lucius Von Krankenwurst arrived at church and was met by a crowd.  Various members of the congregation were curious to meet him themselves.  But Mrs Palfreyman vigorously demanded that she should be the sole object of his attention that afternoon. Mr Von Krankenwurst narrowed his eyes at this,  and did not look too pleased.

No one knows what went on in there, but half an hour later Mrs Palfreyman staggered out, wanly triumphant, announcing that she was cured!  This was wonderful but not unexpected, as Lucius Von Krankenwurst had made clear to everyone before he went in that the only people who were not healed by him were people with vile, secret sin in their lives.  The more kindly among us believed that Mrs Palfreyman had no secret sin to impede her recovery; the more cynical among us decided that Mrs Palfreyman had finally met her match.

Anyway, the news was greeted with great relief by the rest of the parish, but the happiness did not last.  The prayer group continued to meet, but struggled over what problems to pray for.  Mr Palfreyman’s life became a nightmare, because Mrs Palfreyman constantly nagged him to do more jobs about the house.

Then a strange rumour began to circulate that Mr Palfreyman had gone to the prayer meeting himself, and asked the group to pray that Mrs Palfreyman should return to her old ways again.