Smile Lines Best
position for effective prayer Three
ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer
while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling
is definitely best," claimed one minister. "No,"
another contended. "I get the best results
standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're
both wrong," the third insisted. "The
most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face
down on the floor." The
repairman could contain himself no longer. "Sorry,”
he blurted out, “but the best praying I ever did was
hanging upside down from a telephone pole." ** Who
Was Jesus? There
were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been
Black: 1.
He called everyone ‘brother’. 2.
He liked Gospel. 3.
He couldn't get a fair trial. But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Jewish: 1.
He went into His Fathers business. 2.
He lived at home until he was 33. 3.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother
was sure he was God. But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could
have been Italian: 1.
He talked with his hands. 2.
He had wine with every meal. 3.
He used olive oil. But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could
have been a Californian: 1.
He never cut his hair. 2.
He walked around barefoot all the time. 3.
He started a new religion. But
then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could
have been Irish: 1.
He never got married. 2.
He was always telling stories. 3.
He loved green pastures. But
the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that
Jesus could have been a woman: 1.
He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
food. 2.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it. 3.
And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there
was more work to do. ** Everything
is Wonderful My
face in the mirror Isn't
wrinkled or drawn. My
house isn't dirty, The
cobwebs are gone. My
garden looks lovely And so
does my lawn. I
think I might never Put my
glasses back on. ** Labels As
part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I
work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything.
If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the
patient's wrists. Once
when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies,
she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my
surprise when several hours later a very irate son came
out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's
responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?"
** Ecumenics
of a crisis During
a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in
shouting, "The building is on fire!" The
Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed. The
Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" The
Anglicans formed a procession and marched out. The
Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire
brings. The
Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire
was evil. The
Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The
Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would
pass over. The
Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The
Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of
God!" The
Charismatics praised God for another falling of the Holy
Spirit. The
Christian Scientists concluded that, actually, there
was no fire. The
Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint
a committee to look into the matter and submit a written
report. The
secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire
out. ** New
perils A
child, who misheard, once prayed while trying to memorise
the Lord's Prayer: "...and lead us not into
temptation but deliver us from email...” ** Basic
Bathroom... A very
fussy and proper lady began planning a week's camping
holiday for her and her Once
written down it didn't look right and she still was not
comfortable with it. Finally she decided on the
abbreviation ‘B.C.’ and wrote, "Does your
campground have its own B.C.? When
the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't
figure out what she meant by B.C. He showed it to
several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady
was obviously referring to a Dear
Madam: The B.C.
is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful
grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are
in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be
pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time,
and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each
week. Some
folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.
It may interest you to know that my daughter met her
husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to
purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.
Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to
attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she
last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go
more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could
accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and
introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look
forward to your visit. We offer you a very friendly
campground. ** Some
river! A
minister was completing a temperance sermon. With
great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With
even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And
then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take
it and pour it into the river." Sermon
complete, he then sat down. The
song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile: “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,
‘Shall We Gather at the River’.” ** Have
you ever noticed that…. After
your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to
itch. Identical
parts - aren't. Any
tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner. Nothing
is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. If it
jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. The
solution to a problem changes the problem. It is
a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that
you are in a hurry. If you
tell the boss you were late for work because you had a
flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. ** Handy
Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wriggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics. ** No
progress? Small
child: What do the angels do in Heaven, Mummy? Mother:
They sing and play harps. Small
child: Don’t they have any radios and play
stations? ** Salvation
at a price Jim:
Some rich people seem to think they can buy their way
into heaven by leaving a million pounds to a church when
they die. James:
That’s nothing – I know lots of people who are
trying to get into heaven on the instalment plan of one
pound a Sunday while they are living. ** Lost
cause “They
say your daughter has made up her mind to marry a
struggling young curate.” “Well,
if she’s made up her mind, he might as well stop
struggling.” |