St. Petrifieds News Letter Greetings
once more from St Petrifieds. I was just dozing off
during one of Rev Keen's sermons the other Sunday when
something he said caught my attention. "Superstition,"
he told us, "is a tool of the devil designed to
enslave and defeat us." Well
that was news to me. It really goes to show what you can
learn in church these days, if you manage to keep awake.
Personally, I consider it very unlucky to be
superstitious. Consequently I have walked under ladders
and spilled salt with gay abandon and I must admit that
nothing untoward has happened to me yet - touch wood. It's
the same with horoscopes, how anyone can believe that the
date of your birth can affect your future is beyond me. I
had a friend who was once a reporter on the Midhampton
Chronicle (incorporating the Pig Breeders Gazette) and he
told me that 'Mystic Mavis' the horoscope writer on his
paper, was, in fact, a six foot ex-rugby player who also
did the sports news - both columns being dreamed up in
the public bar of The Ruck & Maul public house. If you
require further evidence you need only consider the lives
of the Fortune twins. Jeremiah
and Obediah Fortune are identical twins who were born
thirty minutes apart one Friday 13th and, until a few
years ago, were regular members of our congregation. Jeremiah,
the older of the two, seemed to have the 'Midas touch' in
that everything he touched turned to gold. Following a
glittering university career, Jeremiah set up a
successful business and became extremely rich. He married
a minor film star and they set up home in Obediah
however, was completely different. Everything he
touched turned into the sort of stuff you put on the
roses. He was sent down from university, despite his
protestations of innocence, following an unsavoury
incident involving a flagpole and several items of
underwear belonging to the Dean's wife. Obediah
then set up a second hand car business and lost all his
money when the car lot mysteriously caught fire and he
discovered that his insurance policy had lapsed the
previous day. He then drifted into petty crime and spent
several years in prison following an anonymous tip-off.
Upon his release he moved back to the village and lived
in a shed behind Mr Butcher's maggot farm, where he did a
few odd jobs. Convinced
he had been cursed, Obediah approached Rev Spasm to
perform an exorcism. However, not being fully au fait
with such a practise, the vicar asked him to wait and
promised to swat up on the subject. To his credit, the
old boy unearthed some ancient rite which he then
performed during the following Sunday's Holy Communion
service. Unfortunately,
Rev Spasm mistook Jeremiah for Obediah as they knelt
together at the communion rail, and performed the
exorcism, in Latin, on the wrong twin, but since neither
had understood what had happened, nothing was said. Amazingly,
within days Jeremiah was arrested for insider dealing and
his business collapsed. Then his wife, discovering that
he had been the person responsible for all Odediah's
misfortune, promptly cashed in Jeremiah's considerable
fortune and ran away to |