Smile Lines The
baptism A
father was in church his five year old daughter. During
this particular service, the minister was baptising a
tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by
this, observing that he was saying something and pouring
water over the infant's head. With a
quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing
that baby?" Intercession
needed One
Sunday in church a young child was 'acting up' during the
morning worship. His parents did their best to control
him, but were losing the battle. Finally the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly down the
aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the
church doors, the little one called loudly to the
congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" Final
advice The 98
year old Mother Superior from They
gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused, so one
of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then,
remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk. Back
at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they
knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last
drop. "Mother,"
the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some final
wisdom before you die." The
Mother Superior raised herself slowly up in bed and with
a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow." Wrong
flowers A
small business had just moved into cosy new premises and
one of the owner's friends wanted to send her flowers for
the occasion. The local florist delivered them to
the new business site. The owner opened the card
and read: "Rest in Peace". The
owner called the florist to complain at the obvious
mistake. . The florist replied, "Madam, I am really
sorry, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place
today and they have flowers with a note saying:
'Congratulations on your new, warm location'." Advertising
Terms Explained NEW -
Different colour from previous design. ALL
NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE
- Imported product. UNMATCHED
- Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF
OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED
DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S
HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD
TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH
ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC
- No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED
- Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT
SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS
OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. BREAKTHROUGH
- We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE
FREE - Impossible to fix. MEETS
ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE
- Heavy as anything! HIGH
RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
Consider
your children… 1. You
spend the first two years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling
them to sit down and shut up. 2.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own
children. 3.
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their
young. 4.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The
main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We
childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. Divine
care A
young woman brought home her fiancé to meet her parents.
After dinner, the father invited the fiancé to his study
for a chat. "So what are your plans?" the
father asked the young man. "I
am a Bible college student." he replied. "A
Bible college student. Hmmm," the father said.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice
house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I
will study," the young man replied, "and God
will provide for us." "And
how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as
she deserves?" asked the father. "I
will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replied, "God will provide for us." "And
children?" asked the father. "How will
you support children?" "Don't
worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the
father questioned the young man, the young idealist
insisted that God would provide. Later,
the mother asked, "How did it go, Henry?" The
father answered thoughtfully "He has no job
and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Advice
to all church councils…. Committees
- they keep minutes and waste hours! Teams
- they know what is to be done, do it, reflect on it, and
keep trying to improve it! Long
talk The
pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his
sermons. His talks were well organized and always
ended promptly in 20 minutes. One
Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and
was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes.
His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he
recognized as a sign he should come to a close. When
they got home after the service, the wife asked him why
he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long. He
answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of
tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak.
When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop.
This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button
instead of a lozenge." |