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Smile Lines
Mums
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your nightgown, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
In response, she slipped her arms around my neck in a gentle embrace, and said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mummies and daddies." Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be their mum?"
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Worries
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Until
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
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Sitting
A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
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Close
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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Deep
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your three-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a hamster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grand-dad's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Too cold
Little girl praying for her grandmother, who was suffering from the very cold weather. “Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy, and make it hot for Granny.”
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Peace
An elderly vicar once prayed for the world which the peace cannot give.
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Prayers
Little William was saying his prayers. His mother tiptoed up and heard him say: “And please make James stop throwing things at me. You may remember, I've mentioned this before.”
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Flowers
A pessimist is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for the coffin.
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In tune
Happiness to clergy is someone who snores in the same key as the closing hymn.
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End
I'm always suspicious of any church that tells you the end is near and then makes an appeal for a five-year rebuilding scheme.
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Thanks
Admiral saying grace in the officers mess during storm on the high seas: “For what we are able to retain may the Lord make us truly thankful!” **
Serve
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
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Live
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
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Funny
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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Quit
Quit griping about our church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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Better
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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Judge
God himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Set
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Most peculiar
The parents of a new baby could not decide what to name their son, so they took the first letters of the names of three of their favourite relatives - Oscar, Dianne and David - and they named their son 'Odd'.
Decades passed, and after a lifetime of enduring jokes and teasing about his name, poor Odd passed away. He made only one request for his burial arrangements: he did not want his embarrassing name on his tombstone under any circumstances.
Surprisingly, the omission has caused few identification problems. To this day, nearly everyone who notices the tombstone with no name remarks, "Isn't that odd?"
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Learn
We learn from our mistakes. Most of us never lack study material.
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Succeed
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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Font
Found in a newsletter: The font, so generously presented by Mrs Smith, will be set in position at the East end of the church. Babies may now be baptised at both ends.
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10 reasons not to wash
In one church the minister, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why people don't go to church, included these 10 reason 'why I never wash' in the Sunday bulletin:
1. I was forced to as a child 2. People who wash are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than everybody else. 3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. 4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. 5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 8. I can't spare the time. 9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. 10. People who make soap are only after your money.
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