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Smile Lines
Wedding guest
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine. "And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there."
Freezer labels
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, ‘Lasagne’, ‘Beef stew’, ‘Chicken casserole’, etc. But every day when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals.
So finally she decided to stock up with his various requests. Nowadays her freezer is full of dinners with neat little tags that say: ‘Whatever’, ‘Anything’, ‘I Don't Know’, ‘I Don't Care’, ‘Something Good’, or ‘Food’.
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
Retreat
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Questions
The phone rang. It was a salesman calling from a mortgage refinance company: "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?" "No," I replied. "Would you like to consolidate all your debts?" "I really don't have any debts," I said. "How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried. "I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried. There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
Get rid
A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he decided to put it outside in his front garden, along with a sign saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it - you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. So eventually the man changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale: £30’. The next day someone stole it.
Shops
Grandfather talked often about the ‘good old days’, when the cost of living was much lower. “When I was a lad,” he exclaimed, “my mother could send me to the local shop and I’d get some mince, two pints of milk, some bread, some tinned rice and a magazine – all for less than a pound!” His young grandson protested: “Well, you couldn’t do that now. They got those video cameras everywhere you look!”
Airport security
What makes airport security think they can find something in your wife's handbag when even she can't?
Horse sense
“Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the old farmer. "You work hard and I haven’t had to call the vet out to you much. I only wish you pulled the cart a little faster." "NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag,' not 'feedback'."
Signs found in modern kitchens….
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. 2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 3. A husband is someone who takes out the rubbish and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 5. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand. 6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 9. Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out. 10. Many number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Fast prayer
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Sunday School. As she ran she prayed. "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" Suddenly, she tripped on the pavement, and fell over, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
Payment
Three boys were in the school playground, bragging about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him £50. The second boy said, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him £100." The third boy was not impressed. “Big deal. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
No date
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she explained: "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I’m dead."
Arrest
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" Without hesitation he replied: "Call for backup."
Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
Commandment
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honour thy father and thy mother’, she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Eve’s arrival
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Charles seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Charles, what is the matter?" Little Charles responded solemnly, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Are politicians the oldest profession?
A surgeon, an architect and a politician were arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon: “Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and that surely was a surgical operation.”
“Maybe,” admitted the architect, “but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job.”
“But,” the politician pointed out in triumph, “somebody had to have created the chaos first!”
Answer? Politician to aide: “About their charge that I’m indecisive – do you think I should answer it, or let it go, or answer it in part, or what?”
Off to uni... Smith: So your son is in college? How is he making it? Jones: He isn’t. I’m making it and he is spending it.
Letter A boy was sent by his parents to a private school a long distance from home. He had been strictly enjoined to write home regularly and tell them all about himself and his new life. At the end of the first week, his first letter arrived: “There are 370 boys here. I wish there were 369.”
Fact of life It takes only 84 days for the average schoolboy to outgrow a pair of shoes.
Income A man was asked if he lived within his income. “Certainly not,” he replied. “It is all I can do to live within my credit cards.”
Give it up Psychiatrists say it’s not good for a person to keep too much to himself. The Inland Revenue people say the same thing.
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