Smile Lines With
the The
trouble with referees is that they just don’t care
which side wins. What
the newspapers say … *
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Athur Purdey about a
large gas bill, a spokesman for * Irish
police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen
van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a
Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the
public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) * A
young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented: “This
sort of thing is all too common.” (The Times) * At
the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a
coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a
gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( * Mrs
Irene Graham of Modern
banking The new
bank officer was welcoming a lady who had just opened an
account. “Be assured, Madam, to us you are never
merely a number. You are two digits, a dash, a letter of
the alphabet and three more digits.” What
happens then? A
little boy was taken Christmas shopping by his mother. He
watched the escalator going down for several minutes, and
then asked: “What happens when the ground floor gets
full of steps?” Daring
students “I’m
tired of this routine existence,” said one
university student to his friend. “Let’s do
something extraordinary, startling, magnificent;
something that will make our brains whirl and our hearts
leap.” “Okay,”
said his friend. And so
they studied. Don’t
cross the line There
is a line on the ocean where you lose a day after
crossing it. There’s also a line on all busy roads,
where you can lose a lot more if you cross it. Purring Little
George was visiting his aunt. He found the cat in a sunny
window purring cheerfully. “Oh Auntie, come quick,”
cried George. “The cat has gone to sleep and left
his engine running.” Quiet A
Sunday school teacher asked her children: “And why
is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One little
girl replied helpfully: “Because people are
sleeping.” Wife A
Sunday School teacher was teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. One little boy seemed
especially intent when she explained how Eve was created
out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and
asked him what was the matter. The little boy explained
worriedly: “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m
going to have a wife.” Sick A vicar
explained: “I resigned because of illness and
fatigue. The congregation were sick and tired of me.” Oil A
curate took his rather old car to the garage for an oil
change. After the mechanic had briefly inspected under
the bonnet he turned to the vicar: “If I were you
vicar, I’d keep the oil and change the car.” Original He’s
an original preacher, our new curate. He makes a lot of
mistakes, but they are different every time. Life
and death The
vicar was preaching a powerful sermon concerning death
and judgment. In the course of the sermon, he said:
“Just think – all of you living in this parish
will one day die.” At this, a man in the front pew
began to laugh quietly. After the service the vicar
demanded sternly “My good man, why do you find such
a serious subject so funny?” The man
replied: “I’m just so happy that I don’t
live in this parish!”
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