Smile Lines

A vampire story for Halloween

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, were travelling through Europe in their car, sight-seeing in Transylvania.  As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumped onto the bonnet of their car and hissed at them through the windshield.   "Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switched on the wipers, which knocked the mini-Dracula around.  But, he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.  "What shall I do now?" she shouted.

"Try the windshield washer.  I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replied Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turned on the windshield washer.  The vampire screamed as the holy water burned his skin, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouted Sister Mary Agnes.
"Well, show him your cross," urged Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," said Sister Mary Agnes.  So she opened the window and shouted: “Get the heck off our car!" 

Good deed

A man arrived one day at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.  St. Peter looked through the Big Book, but after several minutes furrowed his brow, and said, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written down here.”

"How current is your copy?" the man asked.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St.  Peter replied. "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.  It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't yet arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The man thought for a moment.  “Well, there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of yobs harassing this poor girl.  I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them.
Infuriated, I got out my car and walked up to the leader of the gang.  He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.  As I walked up to the leader, his mates told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"But I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone!  You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! 
Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, said "Wow!  When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago." 

The Baptist dog

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist.  They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through.  So when they were finished, they went to a dog home to look for a Baptist dog. 

The owner of the dog home thought about it for a while and then nodded. "Yes...  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description." 

So the dog was brought out to the family. The father said, "Let's test this.” He said to the dog, "Go get a Bible." 

And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.  Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible...  Turn to Psalm 23". 

The dog then opened the Bible with its nose and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23. 

“Okay,” said the father. “That's great.  But what are views on baptism by immersion?”

The dog thought for a moment, and then went out and jumped in the duck pond.

Very pleased, the father and family fished the dog out of the pond, dried him off, and took him home. The next day, the family showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do. 

Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?" 

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know.  I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel." 

Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.  "Wait a minute!" exclaimed the mother, outraged. "This dog isn't Baptist!  It's Pentecostal!" 

The Feud

There was a feud between the minister and the choir director of a local church.

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the minister preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the choir director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the minister put the incident behind him.  The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".

By this time, the minister was losing his temper.  Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built.  A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the choir director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?

There was no turning back.  The following Sunday the minister told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation.  The entire church gasped when the choir director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the minister resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.  The choir director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." 

What about you?

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" 

"Why shouldn't I?" he said. 

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" 

"Like what?" 

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?" 

"Religious." 

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" 

"Christian." 

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" 

"Protestant." 

"Me too! Are you Anglican or Baptist?" 

"Baptist." 

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" 

"Baptist Church of God." 

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" 

"Reformed Baptist Church of God." 

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" 

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" 

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off. 

The push

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.  The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked him for a push. 

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"  He slammed the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered. 

"Did you help him?" she asked. 

“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is raining cats and dogs out there!" 

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife.  "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" 

The man sighs, but did as he was told.  He got dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.  He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"   "Yes," came back the answer. 

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.  "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.  "Where are you?" asked the husband. 

"Over here, on the swing." 

Weight lifing

Here's an exercise for people who want to build muscle strength in their arms and shoulders.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer and do at least ten repetitions.  After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, then 50-lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get where you can lift  a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

After you have worked your way up and feel comfortable at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks, but be careful!

Definitions

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at a church service, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Moses revisited

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked, somewhat alarmed.

"Well, no, Mum. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mummy, if we give him some money now, will he let us go?”

Ten Commandments

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to 'honour thy father and thy mother', she said: “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered: “Thou shalt not kill.”

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